i'm not feeling well, my back is aching somehow, my eyes feel sourish, my neck and shoulders stiff (maybe it is due to me feeling some pple breathing down my neck at work, probably swearing under their breaths that i'm yet again eating snake while typing this.)
honestly, i don't really know what i should do at this point of life. Is this what they call mid-life crisis? I'm 30, and if my life expectancy is supposed to be about 60, yeah i guess it IS a mid-life crisis. This is the time where I constantly look back on my years, wondering what in the world have I achieved. Nothing much compared to a baby I guess?
I'm stuck in a computer-related job which ironically, was one of those jobs which I told my father i'd like to do when i grew up. I guess i just grew bored of it. Bored of the job, bored of the stereotypes that come along with it. Perhaps, maybe just bored of myself, for being a geeky, lifeless overweight nerd. Bored of all those people who looked down on me for being "inflexible", no EQ watsoever and boring. Ironically, when i try to interact more with other pple, sometimes they get worried that i'll mix around with "bad" company, or are just plain jealous that i seem to be enjoying myself more with pple whom are just friends, or rather jealous that i seem to be enjoying anything else other than my time with them.
And now, i'm stuck at a junction whereby, I'm so used to my own comfort zone, I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. I'm lost, officially. Always am i guess, but never this bad. What's my purpose in life? Is it just working a 9 to 6 job and earning some bucks? Is it just finding true love? I feel this life isn't progressing anywhere. And why do I say that?
Last week, I attended a talk, the topic was "Passion". Passion = meaning x progress. As of now, I'm not even sure if there is meaning in my life, definitely not the progress I've wanted. As a woman, perhaps my narrow-minded goal and perspective was to service the people whom i love and respect. No matter how highly capable or resourceful i am deemed to be, my first priority will always be my loved ones. Perhaps i'm a really easily malable person, always being "pushed around" by other people. Many a times, I often feel that is how my life should be and I didn't mind it a single bit.
Unlike how others view me as the queen or princess of wands, this doesn't seem to coincide. The queen or princess of wands are highly independent women whom takes life by its reins and shake it, violently. Do I really seem as courageous as that? Then why do I feel so tired and lost now? Could I blame this on some hormones running through my body at this point in time? Would it be permanent? I certainly hope not.
I remember my younger days, where i used to be so carefree. I guess I just lost all my innocence. Life is getting more and more difficult for me, because in theory i shouldn't bother about what was expected of me. But in reality, many a times, the majority always expects minimally, the norm of me. Sometimes, I just wish I could escape from it all. From the weird / funny looks casted by such people, from people who are happily living in their own world and expects everyone else to, from too much happiness which i can't relate to. I wonder what is wrong with me, perhaps i'm just eccentric, or constantly in the state of depression, no matter how I try to pretend i'm not.
Facing the music is much more courageous than putting on a false smile and mask i feel. But circumstances always don't allow me to be so. I guess my heart got broken into a million pieces half my life ago, never really recovering from it. And to make things worse, it only got worse as i age, with all the unrequited love and heartless people i've been with. Whom had callously thrown me to the winds, to be alone, all alone.
Perhaps nobody would really understand me as a person. Unless that person had gone through the exact similar events as myself. I'm tired, really tired of trying to find someone like that, tired of myself as a person. I don't know why I feel a lump in my throat, feel breathless and feel an ache in my chest. And to think these 30 years or so should be the luckiest time of my life. Why do I feel so tormented then? I can't imagine the rest of my life. Perhaps this is why my life line on my right palm is so short. I'm destined to die young. It's not such a bad thing right?
The next time any of you witness, all the laughter and happiness I show. Do note that these were actually derived from all the pain, anguish, fear I've gone thru. If normally I seem like a bubbly, happy-go-lucky person, then it was because i had learnt to not take things for granted and i wanted to make life happier for others. If i seem like some drama mama, then please don't accuse me of bein one, because you don't know me, neither would you ever understand who i am, why do i behave so dramatically the way i do, what goes running inside my brain everyday. I'm not so lucky nor blessed as you.
And I still dun understand why she said my life is that of a princess's. In what way like a princess? Ah I know, having the "riches" of a princess, but never finding true happiness / love like a lonely, locked-up princess in the castle. Isn't that what princesses were always depicted to be in fairy tales?
I pray for my eyes to be able to dry and open up soon. For my body is constantly shaking with fatigue, fear and cynical thoughts. Let me fly away on a fire-breathing dragon who would rescue me from this cold, meaningless castle.
I don't wanna try to fight this love, how dangerous can it be?
I know the odds are so unfavorable, and honesty's forsakeable.
So many run for safety, run from the
Danger of falling in love like this, danger of falling apart, in the hands, of another. Danger in falling in love like this, cold sweat craving the dark, so completely, so sweetly. Danger.
Things have gone wrong, they do more often than they don't. I was a child before, a soldier in defense. I'll take the leap, I've gone so far for lesser gold. I wanna know this life, by your side.
So I don't wanna try to fight this love, how dangerous can it be?
I know the odds are so unfavourable, and honesty's forsakeable. So many run for safety. From the,
Danger of falling in love like this, danger of falling apart, in the hands, of another. Danger in falling in love like this, cold sweat craving the dark, so completely, so sweetly.
This entire anime reeks of boy-love. LOL!! Not that I'm complaining... Ayanami, the antagonist in this story is too smexy for me to hate him entirely. Him and Frau are my favourite characters in this anime so far. (Hahaha, anime does that to priests pic!)
They have the usual spec-donning side characters, and the young cute boyish ones, in fact the main character, Teito Klein is one. His obsession with his best friend Mikage is something that I will never understand, at least not to his depth. The theme is nice, with priests and military against each other, two very opposite factions.
Ayanami's character actually reminds me of RO. The boy's cap. (I think I have an obsession with caps and earphones. Don't ask me why LOL!) Frau is funny with his perverted ways, but yet you know he is a caring, strong character. Watch out for his library books antics and you will know why he's perverted ;p
What is attractive about this anime, again is the story behind each character, and how they are all brought together through fate or destiny. Somehow, I don't think Ayanami's character is that evil. He was seen to be protective of his friends, something which truly evil beings would not be able to have done. Although he threatened Mikage with his sister, eventually nothing bad was ever done to her. Ah, understanding the greyness of one's character. I wonder if its because I'm getting older. This cosplay pic of Ayanami, the funny Hyuuga and subordinate Konatsu is so apt. Luv Ayanami's purplish-white hair and cool expression. The uniforms and props such as the grey throne are also very nicely done. Haha, Hyuuga and his lollipop!
I especially love the ending theme song, it reminds me of another aspect of RO's music. Noria's high-pitched, nasal-sounding voice also fits this song beautifully, adding-on to its naive childish, hopeful feel from the meaning of the lyrics. So enjoy this song, "Hitomi no Kotae" by Noria. ;)
Last night was a "nightmare". I thought I had settled it really nicely with the mail reply I wrote. But it seems I would always get disappointed with such themes.
I happily left work yesterday, proud of myself for giving a good reply. Good reply as in, something non-offending, putting things across as straight-forward as possible, without sugar-coating my words saying things just for the sake of saying them. Such as "oh you're a nice guy but...", "i wish i can give you a chance but...". All these talk is worthless in my opinion. It doesn't even matter. So I'm still open to the invitation of being friends.
He logged into game and asked if he could have a talk with me. Fine, we talked and I wondered what else he didn't understand. But it escalated into crazy, stupid theories / assumptions of how I was afraid of him, afraid of entering a relationship, how I lied that looks don't matter but it does, how I just view him as a bypasser in my life, how he would not give up, how we can be friends first then see if we can proceed further from there. I wonder what is the point, the last thing I wanna do is give someone false hopes and lead him on. And he tells me he rather have hope and try rather than no hope at all. *roll eyes* okie, I've heard these many times, I'm just not gonna fall for it this time again. So no. And again in my opinion, better to end things fast than slow and draggish. (I guess this is one of my guy-ish traits again. Someone who can be so cold and heartless.)
I got really pissed off when here I am being direct, straight to the point, and this fella is assuming there is something more to everything I said. It felt like someone putting his hands to his ears and going on and on without listening to a word I say. I asked why did he write in Chinese, he said he could express himself better. Right, I understand that, just like I feel I can express myself better in English. So I asked if he wanted to type in Chinese instead, I can read. But he refused, and the whole time we were like this chicken and duck talking. 90% of the time, I couldn't even understand what the hell he was saying, and why he was saying those. It was utterly frustrating.
Eventually I had it. I lied that I liked someone else. Then he goes on to ask if that person knows. (omfg) I said I have a bad temper when he asked if I have cooled down. Then he goes on to say "Leos are like that." My goodness, why was he so presumptuous about me? He made it sound like he knew me very well. Even my family and best friends only know certain sides of me, who is he to assume he knows me?
All these talk while I was trying to dance, and my girl friend trying to flirt with one of my guy friends, right infront of my nose. (As usual, I should be used to it by now. But it never fails to make me feel awkward. I still don't get why people do that infront of me. Trying to prove something? Or it was just such an innate behaviour to flirt with every single guy they know?) Well, I had quite enough for the night, so I told him that we just didn't understand each other. With that, he finally understood. (wow, was that some magical line or wat?) I said my goodbyes to him, he told me "God bless you." I said the same to him and he said "no need, hell better for me." (See? That is what I meant by saying things for the sake of saying them.) So I told him neither do I need it. I know, such a blasphemy from me, but if he doesn't need my sincere blessings, why should I need his? I can live very well without them. =\ By this time, I'm already trying very hard to refrain from tearing or breaking something.
So there, as another friend would put it, I'm back to my "killing" ways, assassination mode. These people should be more grateful that my killing methods are clean, straightforward and direct. I hope they appreciate it.
P.S. that fella's FB acct have like hundreds of female friends, and all that bs about being first gf? Try harder. =x
Newest song from my fave female Korean singer Gummy. Ironically, the song she is singing this time again, is so easy to relate to. Although it sounds quite typically like some US song.
Her image in this mtv, is kinda strong. Long black hair, long black dress. I liked that bridge part where she wore her hair up, red lipstick and a white top.
Everyone is crazed, love is a lie. Super pessimistic song heh. Realistic or naive?
Sometimes I don't know if I'm really down in my luck, or I always seem so "inviting" to such people. Just got an email message from someone whom I've barely even talked to a few days ago.
自从在那晚(29Apr10)与你认识到交淡后，我就对你念念不忘，一直想再多了解你多一点。可是你总是没出现，让我倍感失落。无时无刻查看你有上网吗，有回信吗，等等。。。。。。 (At this point of time, I still can't believe my eyes with what I'm reading.... chinese? huh? Why is he writing in chinese?)
有几句话我说了，你一定认为我在开玩笑，因为我们才交淡一次，又没见过对方，也不了解对方。那句话就是：“我们交往吧！做我第一，唯一，最终的女朋友吧！我是认真的，给我机会照顾，呵护及疼爱你吧！” (I'm wondering if he copied this from somewhere. Totally doesn't sound like chinese a typical singaporean would write. Or maybe I'm too banana myself already. The language here totally sounds like either china or taiwan-type. I'm definitely not feeling this.)
我想了几天几夜，考虑了很久，才鼓起勇气，写了这封告白信给你。我想我终于找到我这一生寻寻觅觅的另一半，那就是你！让我在你觉得孤单寂寞时，佔居你的空虚。让我在你伤心难过时，靠在我的怀抱里哭泣。让我在每年的生日，情人节时，陪你度过 (Freaked out at this point, going "wtf"?)
我不擅于表达，也不会甜言蜜语，说的全都是真心话。让我们试着交往吧！给我机会也等于给你一个机会。如果你愿意给我机会的话，请发简讯到9XXXXXX给我。如果你认为我们只适合做普通朋友的话，请回信给我就行了，除非你不介意让我知道你的手机号码。 期待你的回复，你一定要辛福哦！ (Seriously, I'm not in the mood for believing in anyone who wishes for me to have happiness now. Its not that I don't believe there are still nice, kind people who wants the best for me in everything. I just don't feel and don't wanna feel anything anymore.
I dun really wanna be naive anymore... at least, not yet... )
I dunno what is up seriously. I don't even think I know him. For now, I only know I've gotta deal with it, and the answer is apparent. Don't exactly have anything holding me back on my answer. Just need to know how to deal with people nicely and maybe reply back in my simplistic lousy cheena. Oh nevermind, I'll just write back in whatever way i'm comfortable i guess.
I only have one phrase to describe how i feel about this now... "Fuzakenna".
Can relate to this song to a T, at this point of time.... Love the piano parts with the catchy electronic beats in the background. The dance was abit funny-looking but catchy as usual, the "sliding" step was suave! Watch the mtv, it reminds me of the "heartbeat" mtv, just much more darker with the black rain falling.
Black, my fave color. Rain, my fave emo weather. And who is that doing that famous move of throwing his shirt onto the ground? *grins*
Highlights: Beginning rap part I'm gonna get stronger
right, its better to be separated. Anyways I knew at some point you and I would have had this situation. I definitely know you would have done this instead of that, its better to be me right now after I was in deep love I knew I'm relieved I knew about this. That's why I'm ok
Chorus I'm gonna be ok (gonna be ok) I'll be ok (gonna be ok) Baby without you, baby without you.
Mid-song rap part Listen, everything happens for a reason, everything happens for a reason. That doesn't even make sense, obviously what you said is gonna be proved wrong, so just turn around. It really hurts me to see you, I want to stop.
Bridge Why did you do this to me (why) Seriously why did you do this to me (made me cry) You threw away everything we have had, was everything we did actually valuable? The times we had together, the times we could have had together Aren't you even sad about it? Do you not care? Right now are you, are you ok without me?
Yes, they have finally released another mini album. And yes, I am finally updating my blog here again. *Phew* =\ Believe me, I wish I can update it more often. But the past few months have been hellish. Hell-ish, emotionally and physically.
Frankly I have so much to say, to the point I don't know where to start. Should I be talking about what's happening with me lately? Or should I start by telling the story from the start, or my comments on certain things in the world revolving around me? Ok let me re-organize. This post shall be about 2PM updates yah? =) Since the title involves 2PM's new mini album. I will group and prioritize the rest into further posts. (Yay!! Massive update of the blogz. =p)
2PM is my fave korean boyband, ever since last November. I can see the "good-ness" in almost every 2PM members. Goodness such as the purpose of them being in the group. I don't know if I'm too engrossed with work / business stuff recently, but it is true that everyone contributes to the success of a group, be it popbands, organization, community. In each and small little way, everyone counts. Without anyone, the group would not fail / fall, but there would definitely be a change or impact to the future of the group, how it works and what's gonna happen for them. Each of them were there for a purpose, to fill in the gaps that the rest could not fulfill. Talk about good marketing techniques. :)
So you can imagine my disappointment when leader Jay Park left the group. Initially, it was due to some comments he wrote in his mySpace blog, which I feel shouldn't be the main reason for him to leave. But it was due to this incident, which probably made him realise something, that this is not for him. Or a mistake in the past was even far worse greater reason for him to leave. Whatever it is, it is his decision and others should try to respect that. The poor guy has made a decision to leave, let him stick to it and get on with his life. I know everyone wants him back, myself too, but if he has made a decision, let's not try to make things difficult for him. As long as he's happy, all is well.
Same goes for the rest of the members in 2PM. They have moved on, releasing this new mini album. They still go on with their tour dates. In fact, they should move on. If they don't, it is not even logical. Do some fans think that with Jay gone, the whole band should just stop there or disband? No way... c'mon, everyone worked hard. They've come to this stage, it is so much easier to just walk away from it all and disband the whole thing. But it takes alot of strength and effort to continue walking the line. To work even harder to prove to their fans they will continue to make good music, dance and entertainment. So let's give them the credit for that yah? (Even though I'm starting to feel a little annoyed with some of the stronger characters in this group. But I'm sure they have their own reasons behind it. They care, which is probably why they are portrayed as angrier. Different people respond differently to let-downs. Some get sad, emo, some get angry. It is a cycle of emotions. Some people feel angry first... as time goes by, they get sad. Some sad initially, then the more they think about it, the angrier they get. But eventually, people look back and all these form impressionable memories. Pretty sure a few years down the road, nobody will even remember or mind what had happened. Who knows they may get back together eventually 1 day and laugh it off together? Just cherish what they have got currently, because once it is gone, it is gone.)
As for their new songs titled "Don't Stop Can't Stop" and "Without You", it is obvious they are trying to portray where they stand, with Jay leaving. Frankly we will never know the real reason that caused him to leave, unless he announces or declares it. So I would say, good marketing and sharp creativity skills coming from JYP, on producing these two songs to be covered-up as a "break-up" in romantic terms. But you and I know, the song could so easily be symbolic of Jay's incident.
So enjoy the first song from the album: Don't Stop Can't Stop. Strong feelings depicted here, which boosts my morale up this morning, while listening to it on the way to work. Let it burn, i'm gonna be stronger... ironically, it is like how my msn nick is sometimes: Motto motto tsuyoi (extracted from Clare in Claymore).
So we don't stop, can't stop, until we reach the top!!!
Woke up this morning feeling it is gonna be quite an ordinary day like any other. Still had to go to work, still had to do the usual mundane things. Still thought I couldn't skip work cos I had some datelines I promised other colleagues to fulfill. I went about my usual daily morning routines and headed off to work.
SMS-ed shifu on my way to work as usual. I don't know why, but i started telling him wat I dreamt this morning.
I dreamt of my father again. This time the setting is in some cny gathering at a friend's place. The apartment / flat was entirely white in color, with red cny decorations. I stepped in and my friends greeted me, the guys were suave, the gals were very pretty and totally dressed up for the joyous festive occasion. I hugged a few of them on my way in. Then I noticed someone sitting there on the sofa in a corner. It was my dad, he was dressed in a very trendy and hip manner. He was wearing those retro brown shades in gold rims, with white long-sleeved shirt and pants and nice leather shoes. His body looked slim and yet fit, tanned, like he had worked out in the gym. He looked so good, like he had never before. He looked so well.
I walked up to him and took a seat beside him on the sofa. I called him like I normally would... "daddy". He didn't say a word and continued playing on this grey psp he held in his hands. But he tilted the psp over to me, to show me what he was playing, this fighting game which looked abit cartoonish. I don't know if I was just happy to see him this well, or just happy to see him. Recalling the dream was extreme joy for me. Shifu commented my dream was so cute. I agree, it was cute and sweet. I wonder if my dad was hinting for me to get a psp for him to play. I was just thankful to be able to see my dad. It was probably because I happen to see a pic we took together in my younger days last night. But whatever the cause, I'm thankful.
The music player on my handphone was also contributing to my ever-lovely start to this lovely day. Playing silly yet catchy songs like the "Ding Dong Song". I asked shifu if he heard of this song before, and told him I love it, the lyrics are so stupid, but I love it. I reached my office, for a moment there was this woman who had the think-she-very-pretty attitude, who gave me the wanna-kill-you look when the lift door nearly closed on her, if not for me pressing the open button quickly. Yes I pressed the close button, but that was because I didn't see anyone behind me when I entered the lift. Instead of a 'Thank You', she gave me the side-stare like I nearly murdered her. Fine, blame yourself for walking so slowly in your high heels and stop trying to think you're atas just because you're carrying a gucci bag. My day is too good to be ruined by a bitch like you :) kthxbye.
After a short but sweet complaining session to Norman about the stupid lift bitch, coming to terms with our lives, that we had so much more to live on for as compared to our problems in life, with Casey, I went on to fill in my Performance Review for the rest of the year. I asked for the budget figures from Jas and LH and both dear gals were so quick and prompt with their replies. (Thank you dears! :)) Filling the performance review was so much easier for me today than it seemed for me yesterday. My ideas and memory just came back, everything was flowing so freely, like how I managed to write-up about my day now. It was effortless, almost. :) Windows Media Player was extremely good as well, playing all the songs which made me bob my head along. Today my msn nick was "its gonna be a lovely day". Being the usual pessimist, it was extremely rare to see me this hopeful and joyful. Even the news about how this gym personal trainer, who 2-3 years ago held my hand to assist me to balance on this exercise ball one evening, had pass away because he was suffering from depression didn't get me down really. He must have felt all alone and that he had no one to turn to and no way to solve all his problems. I understood that feeling. I'm just glad he is now somewhere better off, it is sinful to commit suicide but I want to believe he is somewhere happier and i pray he will no longer be tormented. For me, I'm definitely not taking his path, because I still have the support of my friends. At my most down moment, I am glad there are still friends whom I will think of talking to.
Then it was lunch with my best sec sch fren at Cineleisure. It was a very good lunch, she listened to my problems and gave me advice to think them through hard. I told her I had been thinking and it is almost driving me crazy everyday. She told me it could only go 1 way or another, not bulldoze through. And she treated me to lunch, I was looking forward to the next lunch i'll be having with her. Again, thankful for such a good lunch I had with her. As I stepped out of the lift at my office level, my ex-director whom was dressed in this pretty red dress greeted me so joyously. She exclaimed "hey you're back!! Welcome back! So good to see you!" I flashed her a very big smile before the lift doors closed on her, I never felt so appreciated and happy for so long. Heh speak of the devil, I was telling WL earlier during lunch that my ex-director ever gave me some bgr advice. She is a woman I look up to, a great teacher who always inspires me to give my best and all. 2 more weeks before she goes on sabbatical leave for her daughter's sake. Although she will no longer be with us in the office, I will be rooting for her and her decision.
So, the day had been excellent so far! A few more hours to dinner with boss and the rest whom I've been talking to everyday in-game. I'm sure the day will continue to be this good way into the night. I'm sure to sleep tonight with a smile upon my face, no matter how crazy that seems. I guess heaven just chose to reward me in little ways for all the effort i've put in my daily life so far.
A very thoughtful line which I came across today: What you can control, do control. What you cannot control, don't let it control you.
Just felt so undermined, and things are getting alot more worse. I finally reached my limit last night, and blew my top..... or maybe not? =x But at least I allowed myself to feel angry, yah so angry that i got so emo and cried, and scared a few "innocent" friends along the way. I'm sorry to those friends, they are innocent and they happen to witness my emo-ness.
So I'm good enough to understand how I'll always be second best in his eyes, as compared to his gf. But I really hate the fact that he had to rub that in my face, on every opportunity presented. And she was also damn immature, to keep comparing herself with her supposedly good gf, infront of her bf. Was it just to prove she is more wanted, better or stoke her online ego?
I guess I really had the last straw last night when he innocently asked if the guy playing with us was "my prey". What is up with that? Every single guy must be my prey? He is not, and FYI, I was just doing my own thang and this friend asked if she could join. But she pulled along another guy to join ME. Get the picture straight? Felt so accused. So I threw it back into their faces with a direct "No, it is hers". All silence after that. Ok nice, and then she had to go afk and "throw" the new stranger guy in my battle room.
Then comes along my didi. Well, I was quite surprised he accepted me as his jie. I wasn't expecting him to be so forthcoming, but I'm glad he did. I just tried asking him if I could call him didi, and he gladly accepted. (Thanks di, that was so sweet and kinda the silver lining on the cloud for me last nite. You always disturb / tease me, so I had no idea you were willing to be my bro.) He accompanied me and the stranger guy in a few songs.
Then comes along her. As usual, trying to be so "friendly" by saying hi to my didi. (I don't see her saying hi to the newbie stranger guy? wtf.) Stop trying to make my friends yours, what is mine is mine, they are not yours, unless I wanna share them with you. Show a little respect? You already have your bf making you feel on top of the world every nite, and you already get to rub it in my face that u're 110% better than me in anything and everything. Show a little respect to me, if you cherish me as a friend? I need to have my own world, a world away from yours, an identity of my own, not forever as your side-kick, your "dear" whom you selfishly try to constantly undermine, whether on purpose or not, your "dear" whom you declare to the whole wide world that you love. I don't really need that? Sympathy? Pity? Attention-whoring that you're such a dear sweet girl for loving me no matter wat? I don't need all these.
And to him, stop rubbing it into my face that you wanna peep at yr gf rather than me. Stop sarcastically suan-ing that my "battery" is so much more alive with a guy beside me. Stop accusing me for being the reason, for any other guy standing within 5 metres around our bunch. What can I say? You asked for it, so stop whining when the otherwise happens. You were the one who always made me feel second best to yr gf, constantly doing that over & over. So when I finally get some attention from some other guys, am I not supposed to be happy? Am I supposed to feel sad that FINALLY someone is noticing me? Show me some respect as well, since my already low self-esteem is not getting any help from you, let me get it helped from other people and stop accusing me of trying to get help from other people. You of all people, I had higher expectations out of you cos you seemed to understand me more than the rest. I suppose maybe that was an illusion. I guess I was just a dormant volcano waiting to blow-up. But i couldn't help it, cos everytime i snapped back, you just don't get it.
And di, sorry I had to "threaten" and asked if I should quit the game or not and scare you with a "i'm crying now". Cos it is just so hurting sometimes. You said you had to company your laopo last nite, and that we shall discuss this issue today. Thanks, and I fully understand your dilemma of not being to talk to me immediately. Anyway, whether directly or indirectly, you were so smart.. to "postpone" discussing this with me til tonight. To give me some time to think over it, to give the game another chance. If I stay on, please give me some credit, cos it is not easy for me to. But I shall try, try to still be around for you guys. Try to be a stronger person. Now I understood what momo meant when he told me "anything msg me lor". Anything, that was what I felt last nite. Anything, thats the feeling when you feel down in the dumps, and that nobody else in the world cares or understands. Anything, just anything. Maybe I'll just sms him with this word... "anything". =x okies lame. LOL!
For me now, music is the only thing that can save my soul. Deepcleareyes is my only best friend. Yeap. Just wanna share a song, yes an emo song (which I never really appreciated, until today. It just felt so right while I'm ranting all these. And the meaning of the song is beautiful). Let me tell u, it would be really ironic if momo became my "bf". Since his nick was Baby + Emo. LOL omg. Ok, I laugh at myself sometimes. :)
Translation to the song:
Sunlight filtering through the trees, halfway through a dream,
softly shutting my eyes in the gentle wind,
lightly floating in the air, resting my feet tired from walking,
Because the road continues so far onward, all the way until you, I’m in no hurry
After pondering things like the meaning of life all night long, what I’ve grasped
is our light so small I may forget it when morning comes,
That everyone is born crying is a matter of course,
so I want to be a person who sleeps with a smile when I greet that day,
Without forgetting, I’ll leisurely look back on today that passed at such a fast pace
You taught me that I grow stronger as the things I want to protect increase,
I want to live on inside of someone, if that were you I’d be so happy
We can meet with happy things many times over, even if we’re far away,
This warmth from when we held one another can live on in our hearts,
After pondering things like the meaning of life all night long, what I’ve grasped
is our light so small I may forget it when morning comes,
I know this is very mean of me, but what do you do when you get irritated by a friend?
By their constant harping of the same topic of this gal they like (every single min / second you talk to them).
By all the constant worrying about whether it is right to be doing this and that for this gal until it really gets on your nerves.
By sms-ing you when the gal whom they have this major crush on, ask them out or invite them over to their place, and they can't WAIT to share the GOOD news with you, that they have to SMS you ON THE SPOT, and expects you to reply them IMMEDIATELY with your WELLWISHING COMMENTS.
And then when you don't reply them on msn, they constantly continue to msg you with stupid factual stuffs on the weather,
or that the weekend is coming soon,
or how happy they are that their bosses have all went for meetings,
or how sleepy they are,
how full / hungry they are.
I'm sorry, but i'm just not THAT interested to know that you have obsessed over what to wear for the gal, or get updated every single DAY of my life how you 2 are progressing, or even if you have just burped due to that heavy lunch you had earlier. Wtf? Just leave me alone with all your attention whoring? Go blog or something. =x
Aftenote (12th Jan 2010): Ok, this is really ruffling up my feathers. Here I am, busy with work til I have no bloody time to logon MSN, or to even have a proper lunch. And this fella actually msg and replies again with "wah so jialat ah? I not in office now also"..... =.= do i look like i fucking care i'm here busy as hell and you are outside skiving or having an off day? Epic fail.
Yesterday I was thinking, I actually forgot all about updating my blog. The one and only place where I can rant, emo, over-analyse about every little single detail or thing that had happened to me, and wouldn't get a reaction back telling me "You think too much" or "Why you always emo?", when they talk to me about the guy / gal they like or agonize themselves with the sickening people in their lives every single minute or second in the world themselves. (yeah wtf? selfish or wat? so they can rant and i can't? Look into the mirror first?)
Ok, so let's start off with this frustrating deadlock situation. I don't know if it is just me being too over-lively / friendly or i just give people the impression that i "talk cute" most of the time, but when i'm more quiet... or in other words, like how they describe it as "moody", they just automatically assume i'm being emo. This is dumb, moody does not mean emo to me. Wanna know what is emo for me? REAL emo is me crying.... yes, not when I'm more reserved / calm than usual, not when I'm just quieter or lonelier than usual, not when I get hostile / aggressive (now that is angry or pissed off). Guess everyone's definition and threshold levels of "emo" is different?
When it seems like I "think too much", i'm just analysing things... why bother? Because it is just in me, it is just in my blood... i'm a freaking data analyst for goodness's sakes. If I'm not someone who likes to analyse things, pull things apart bit by bit and think thru them, think about the reason why... then I shouldn't even be an analyst (think Sherlock Holmes. Yes, my job requires me to be super detailed and think / reason about every-little-thing.) It is just my character to. Now is that a crime? And it just happens to be that friends are for sharing, sharing of happy / sad / bad news.... sharing of thoughts is also considered as a form of sharing. If I don't see you as a friend, I wouldn't even bother sharing any of my thoughts with you. (Can't these people be more appreciative of the trust I have in them?)
So the next time, when a friend emos on you or seem to be emo-ing... don't be harsh. Allow him / her to emo and vent out their frustrations. Or would you rather they bottle-it-up inside them, with time ticking away to surprisingly explode on you sometime later on? Just let them emo out, and least of all, do not tell them "Don't EMO", unless your friend is someone like me, who can still calmly react back with a "Let me emo please." instead of a "you just dun fucking understand me, go away." Don't tell people not to emo, just because as a friend, you are not COMPETANT / BRAVE enough to face the music of consoling / handling your friend who is frustrated / sad, irregardless of the frequency of how often they do this. Just don't, just let them go with the flow of their emotions. For one, I know how sickeningly painful / depressing it is, to feel sad but not be able to express it out because people tend to shun emo / sad family / friends. The last thing you would want when you're sad, is to feel even sadder due to loneliness. And in a way, telling people not to sad / emo is as good as enforcing your own opinions and emotions on others (wtf?), which is rude.
It just reminds me of the old saying: "if you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all." Wow what a start to the new year of 2010. No wonder I cried on the second last night of 2009 til my eyes got swollen for work on the last day of 2009.
