Lost Angels.

i'm not feeling well, my back is aching somehow, my eyes feel sourish, my neck and shoulders stiff (maybe it is due to me feeling some pple breathing down my neck at work, probably swearing under their breaths that i'm yet again eating snake while typing this.)

honestly, i don't really know what i should do at this point of life. Is this what they call mid-life crisis? I'm 30, and if my life expectancy is supposed to be about 60, yeah i guess it IS a mid-life crisis. This is the time where I constantly look back on my years, wondering what in the world have I achieved. Nothing much compared to a baby I guess?

I'm stuck in a computer-related job which ironically, was one of those jobs which I told my father i'd like to do when i grew up. I guess i just grew bored of it. Bored of the job, bored of the stereotypes that come along with it. Perhaps, maybe just bored of myself, for being a geeky, lifeless overweight nerd. Bored of all those people who looked down on me for being "inflexible", no EQ watsoever and boring. Ironically, when i try to interact more with other pple, sometimes they get worried that i'll mix around with "bad" company, or are just plain jealous that i seem to be enjoying myself more with pple whom are just friends, or rather jealous that i seem to be enjoying anything else other than my time with them.

And now, i'm stuck at a junction whereby, I'm so used to my own comfort zone, I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. I'm lost, officially. Always am i guess, but never this bad. What's my purpose in life? Is it just working a 9 to 6 job and earning some bucks? Is it just finding true love? I feel this life isn't progressing anywhere. And why do I say that?

Last week, I attended a talk, the topic was "Passion". Passion = meaning x progress. As of now, I'm not even sure if there is meaning in my life, definitely not the progress I've wanted. As a woman, perhaps my narrow-minded goal and perspective was to service the people whom i love and respect. No matter how highly capable or resourceful i am deemed to be, my first priority will always be my loved ones. Perhaps i'm a really easily malable person, always being "pushed around" by other people. Many a times, I often feel that is how my life should be and I didn't mind it a single bit.

Unlike how others view me as the queen or princess of wands, this doesn't seem to coincide. The queen or princess of wands are highly independent women whom takes life by its reins and shake it, violently. Do I really seem as courageous as that? Then why do I feel so tired and lost now? Could I blame this on some hormones running through my body at this point in time? Would it be permanent? I certainly hope not.

I remember my younger days, where i used to be so carefree. I guess I just lost all my innocence. Life is getting more and more difficult for me, because in theory i shouldn't bother about what was expected of me. But in reality, many a times, the majority always expects minimally, the norm of me. Sometimes, I just wish I could escape from it all. From the weird / funny looks casted by such people, from people who are happily living in their own world and expects everyone else to, from too much happiness which i can't relate to. I wonder what is wrong with me, perhaps i'm just eccentric, or constantly in the state of depression, no matter how I try to pretend i'm not.

Facing the music is much more courageous than putting on a false smile and mask i feel. But circumstances always don't allow me to be so. I guess my heart got broken into a million pieces half my life ago, never really recovering from it. And to make things worse, it only got worse as i age, with all the unrequited love and heartless people i've been with. Whom had callously thrown me to the winds, to be alone, all alone.

Perhaps nobody would really understand me as a person. Unless that person had gone through the exact similar events as myself. I'm tired, really tired of trying to find someone like that, tired of myself as a person. I don't know why I feel a lump in my throat, feel breathless and feel an ache in my chest. And to think these 30 years or so should be the luckiest time of my life. Why do I feel so tormented then? I can't imagine the rest of my life. Perhaps this is why my life line on my right palm is so short. I'm destined to die young. It's not such a bad thing right?

The next time any of you witness, all the laughter and happiness I show. Do note that these were actually derived from all the pain, anguish, fear I've gone thru. If normally I seem like a bubbly, happy-go-lucky person, then it was because i had learnt to not take things for granted and i wanted to make life happier for others. If i seem like some drama mama, then please don't accuse me of bein one, because you don't know me, neither would you ever understand who i am, why do i behave so dramatically the way i do, what goes running inside my brain everyday. I'm not so lucky nor blessed as you.

And I still dun understand why she said my life is that of a princess's. In what way like a princess? Ah I know, having the "riches" of a princess, but never finding true happiness / love like a lonely, locked-up princess in the castle. Isn't that what princesses were always depicted to be in fairy tales?

I pray for my eyes to be able to dry and open up soon. For my body is constantly shaking with fatigue, fear and cynical thoughts. Let me fly away on a fire-breathing dragon who would rescue me from this cold, meaningless castle.