Hikari 光

Another ranting post.

Just felt so undermined, and things are getting alot more worse. I finally reached my limit last night, and blew my top..... or maybe not? =x But at least I allowed myself to feel angry, yah so angry that i got so emo and cried, and scared a few "innocent" friends along the way. I'm sorry to those friends, they are innocent and they happen to witness my emo-ness.

So I'm good enough to understand how I'll always be second best in his eyes, as compared to his gf. But I really hate the fact that he had to rub that in my face, on every opportunity presented. And she was also damn immature, to keep comparing herself with her supposedly good gf, infront of her bf. Was it just to prove she is more wanted, better or stoke her online ego?

I guess I really had the last straw last night when he innocently asked if the guy playing with us was "my prey". What is up with that? Every single guy must be my prey? He is not, and FYI, I was just doing my own thang and this friend asked if she could join. But she pulled along another guy to join ME. Get the picture straight? Felt so accused. So I threw it back into their faces with a direct "No, it is hers". All silence after that. Ok nice, and then she had to go afk and "throw" the new stranger guy in my battle room.

Then comes along my didi. Well, I was quite surprised he accepted me as his jie. I wasn't expecting him to be so forthcoming, but I'm glad he did. I just tried asking him if I could call him didi, and he gladly accepted. (Thanks di, that was so sweet and kinda the silver lining on the cloud for me last nite. You always disturb / tease me, so I had no idea you were willing to be my bro.) He accompanied me and the stranger guy in a few songs.

Then comes along her. As usual, trying to be so "friendly" by saying hi to my didi. (I don't see her saying hi to the newbie stranger guy? wtf.) Stop trying to make my friends yours, what is mine is mine, they are not yours, unless I wanna share them with you. Show a little respect? You already have your bf making you feel on top of the world every nite, and you already get to rub it in my face that u're 110% better than me in anything and everything. Show a little respect to me, if you cherish me as a friend? I need to have my own world, a world away from yours, an identity of my own, not forever as your side-kick, your "dear" whom you selfishly try to constantly undermine, whether on purpose or not, your "dear" whom you declare to the whole wide world that you love. I don't really need that? Sympathy? Pity? Attention-whoring that you're such a dear sweet girl for loving me no matter wat? I don't need all these.

And to him, stop rubbing it into my face that you wanna peep at yr gf rather than me. Stop sarcastically suan-ing that my "battery" is so much more alive with a guy beside me. Stop accusing me for being the reason, for any other guy standing within 5 metres around our bunch. What can I say? You asked for it, so stop whining when the otherwise happens. You were the one who always made me feel second best to yr gf, constantly doing that over & over. So when I finally get some attention from some other guys, am I not supposed to be happy? Am I supposed to feel sad that FINALLY someone is noticing me? Show me some respect as well, since my already low self-esteem is not getting any help from you, let me get it helped from other people and stop accusing me of trying to get help from other people. You of all people, I had higher expectations out of you cos you seemed to understand me more than the rest. I suppose maybe that was an illusion. I guess I was just a dormant volcano waiting to blow-up. But i couldn't help it, cos everytime i snapped back, you just don't get it.

And di, sorry I had to "threaten" and asked if I should quit the game or not and scare you with a "i'm crying now". Cos it is just so hurting sometimes. You said you had to company your laopo last nite, and that we shall discuss this issue today. Thanks, and I fully understand your dilemma of not being to talk to me immediately. Anyway, whether directly or indirectly, you were so smart.. to "postpone" discussing this with me til tonight. To give me some time to think over it, to give the game another chance. If I stay on, please give me some credit, cos it is not easy for me to. But I shall try, try to still be around for you guys. Try to be a stronger person.

Now I understood what momo meant when he told me "anything msg me lor". Anything, that was what I felt last nite. Anything, thats the feeling when you feel down in the dumps, and that nobody else in the world cares or understands. Anything, just anything. Maybe I'll just sms him with this word... "anything". =x okies lame. LOL!

For me now, music is the only thing that can save my soul. Deepcleareyes is my only best friend. Yeap. Just wanna share a song, yes an emo song (which I never really appreciated, until today. It just felt so right while I'm ranting all these. And the meaning of the song is beautiful). Let me tell u, it would be really ironic if momo became my "bf". Since his nick was Baby + Emo. LOL omg. Ok, I laugh at myself sometimes. :)




Translation to the song:

Sunlight filtering through the trees, halfway through a dream,

softly shutting my eyes in the gentle wind,

lightly floating in the air, resting my feet tired from walking,



Because the road continues so far onward, all the way until you, I’m in no hurry



After pondering things like the meaning of life all night long, what I’ve grasped

is our light so small I may forget it when morning comes,



That everyone is born crying is a matter of course,

so I want to be a person who sleeps with a smile when I greet that day,



Without forgetting, I’ll leisurely look back on today that passed at such a fast pace



You taught me that I grow stronger as the things I want to protect increase,

I want to live on inside of someone, if that were you I’d be so happy



We can meet with happy things many times over, even if we’re far away,

This warmth from when we held one another can live on in our hearts,



After pondering things like the meaning of life all night long, what I’ve grasped

is our light so small I may forget it when morning comes,



Right now is a small light

What do you do when you get irritated by friends?

I know this is very mean of me, but what do you do when you get irritated by a friend?

• By their constant harping of the same topic of this gal they like (every single min / second you talk to them).
• By all the constant worrying about whether it is right to be doing this and that for this gal until it really gets on your nerves.
• By sms-ing you when the gal whom they have this major crush on, ask them out or invite them over to their place, and they can't WAIT to share the GOOD news with you, that they have to SMS you ON THE SPOT, and expects you to reply them IMMEDIATELY with your WELLWISHING COMMENTS.
• And then when you don't reply them on msn, they constantly continue to msg you with stupid factual stuffs on the weather,
• or that the weekend is coming soon,
• or how happy they are that their bosses have all went for meetings,
• or how sleepy they are,
• how full / hungry they are.

I'm sorry, but i'm just not THAT interested to know that you have obsessed over what to wear for the gal, or get updated every single DAY of my life how you 2 are progressing, or even if you have just burped due to that heavy lunch you had earlier. Wtf? Just leave me alone with all your attention whoring? Go blog or something. =x

Aftenote (12th Jan 2010): Ok, this is really ruffling up my feathers. Here I am, busy with work til I have no bloody time to logon MSN, or to even have a proper lunch. And this fella actually msg and replies again with "wah so jialat ah? I not in office now also"..... =.= do i look like i fucking care i'm here busy as hell and you are outside skiving or having an off day? Epic fail.

emo-ing about being emo.

Yesterday I was thinking, I actually forgot all about updating my blog. The one and only place where I can rant, emo, over-analyse about every little single detail or thing that had happened to me, and wouldn't get a reaction back telling me "You think too much" or "Why you always emo?", when they talk to me about the guy / gal they like or agonize themselves with the sickening people in their lives every single minute or second in the world themselves. (yeah wtf? selfish or wat? so they can rant and i can't? Look into the mirror first?)

Ok, so let's start off with this frustrating deadlock situation. I don't know if it is just me being too over-lively / friendly or i just give people the impression that i "talk cute" most of the time, but when i'm more quiet... or in other words, like how they describe it as "moody", they just automatically assume i'm being emo. This is dumb, moody does not mean emo to me. Wanna know what is emo for me? REAL emo is me crying.... yes, not when I'm more reserved / calm than usual, not when I'm just quieter or lonelier than usual, not when I get hostile / aggressive (now that is angry or pissed off). Guess everyone's definition and threshold levels of "emo" is different?

When it seems like I "think too much", i'm just analysing things... why bother? Because it is just in me, it is just in my blood... i'm a freaking data analyst for goodness's sakes. If I'm not someone who likes to analyse things, pull things apart bit by bit and think thru them, think about the reason why... then I shouldn't even be an analyst (think Sherlock Holmes. Yes, my job requires me to be super detailed and think / reason about every-little-thing.) It is just my character to. Now is that a crime? And it just happens to be that friends are for sharing, sharing of happy / sad / bad news.... sharing of thoughts is also considered as a form of sharing. If I don't see you as a friend, I wouldn't even bother sharing any of my thoughts with you. (Can't these people be more appreciative of the trust I have in them?)

So the next time, when a friend emos on you or seem to be emo-ing... don't be harsh. Allow him / her to emo and vent out their frustrations. Or would you rather they bottle-it-up inside them, with time ticking away to surprisingly explode on you sometime later on? Just let them emo out, and least of all, do not tell them "Don't EMO", unless your friend is someone like me, who can still calmly react back with a "Let me emo please." instead of a "you just dun fucking understand me, go away." Don't tell people not to emo, just because as a friend, you are not COMPETANT / BRAVE enough to face the music of consoling / handling your friend who is frustrated / sad, irregardless of the frequency of how often they do this. Just don't, just let them go with the flow of their emotions. For one, I know how sickeningly painful / depressing it is, to feel sad but not be able to express it out because people tend to shun emo / sad family / friends. The last thing you would want when you're sad, is to feel even sadder due to loneliness. And in a way, telling people not to sad / emo is as good as enforcing your own opinions and emotions on others (wtf?), which is rude.

It just reminds me of the old saying: "if you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all." Wow what a start to the new year of 2010. No wonder I cried on the second last night of 2009 til my eyes got swollen for work on the last day of 2009.