Maybe Tomorrow....... Love Today.

Just thought I'll share 2 songs with all of you today.

First song: "Maybe Tomorrow" by Stereophonics. It's a pretty old song which I've got a long time ago, happen to stumble upon it on youtube tonight and thought the lyrics pretty much describes me nowadays.

Second song: "Love Today" by Taja. An insert song in Gundam 00 season 1. Love the rhythm of the song, sounds like a heartbeat which is very ept for the song indeed.

Its funny how these 2 songs differ, one talks about tomorrow, one talks about today. One sings of the maybes tomorrow may bring, one sings of the love we learn today. Enjoy~

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

Sayonara kotoba ja tsunageya shinai
(Farewell; we can't connect or anything with words)
Bokura no mirai ga hanareba nare ni arukidasu
(Our future will begin to walk, scattered)
Kimi to iu hikari ga utsushidashita
(The dreams that search for a place to go in a corner of my heart)
Kokoro no katasumi ikiba wo sagasu yume-tachi
(Reflected the light called "you")
LOVE FOR A DAY kotae ha kitto aruita ashiato no naka ni
(Love for a day: the answer is surely within the walking footprints)
Sumikitta sora wo miagete itoshisa wo kizamikomu
(I'll gaze up at the crystal clear sky and etch my beloved into it)

Tsuki mo naku kaze no tsuyoi yoru ni ha
(On a moonless, windy night,)
Nemurenai mama de amai genjitsu no yume wo daki
(I'll sleeplessly hold my dreams of a sweet reality)
Muriyari nobashita te mo tsukamenu
(A hand that I forcibly stretched out can't gasp it)
Tashikana mono nante kitto doko ni mo nai hazu
(I'm sure that something certain doesn't exist anywhere)
LOVE FOR A DAY hanayagu hi mo shizuka ni itamu yoru mo
(Love for a day: both the brilliant days and quietly hurting nights)
Kakusenai mune no oku no kizuato wo tokihanate
(Release the wounds deep in your breast that you can't hide)

LOVE TODAY kotae ha zutto minareta keshiki no naka ni
(Love today: the answer is surely within the scenery I've always been used to)
Hitokoto tatta hitokoto de kyou made ga kagayakidasu
(One word, with just one word, today will start to shine)

LOVE TODAY kotae ha kitto aruita ashiato no naka ni
(Love today: the answer is surely within the walking footprints)
Sou kimi ni tsutaetai kara kyou made ga kagayakidasu
(One word, with just one word, today will start to shine)

LOVE TODAY kotae ha kitto aruita ashiato no naka ni
(Love today: the answer is surely within the walking footprints)
Sou kimi ni tsutaetai kara kyou made ikita akashi
(Because I want to tell you that, it's the proof that I've lived up 'til today)

LOVE TODAY, LEARN TO LOVE TODAY
(Love today, learn to love today)

It's official...

Didn't go to work today as I felt so "sick" and tired.... (although I was not running a fever or having some flu.) Ended up sms-ing my boss at 7:30am and went back to bed. But I know I didn't sleep well the entire night, until the last few hours before 11am. Then I hurridly went to visit the doc before they are closed for the morning.

It was quite awkward, the doctor had 2 other female medical students observing him today in the consultation. I told him that I had a very bad migraine last night, felt giddy and felt like vomiting. I also told him that I was very very tired, because I worked very long hours for the past few days, to the extend that last night I thought I could just collapse in the office and die and nobody would know. The doc suddenly started talking to me like a friend, and he put it in a very nice way that I was suffering from anxiety. It could be triggered by unhappiness or being "kan cheong" at work. He said I needed to lower my expectations. We had a long talk, he tried to understand if I had any leave to take, and what I would do during those free time. He gave me many suggestions, which I thought maybe a doc wouldn't be saying. He told me to catch a movie, do some window-shopping, relax myself over the next few days.

He asked if I ever felt like crying, or ever felt fed-up or just felt like dying. Which reminded me that I asked myself why I existed just a day ago. All along my eyes felt a little wet but i tried not to let my tears roll. But I just couldn't understand why after hearing him ask if I ever felt like dying, my tears just "flushed out" uncontrollably. I felt extremely embarrassed because there were 2 medical female students there observing us. (at least I should be thankful they're not guys?) I was glad the doc was so patient with me today as he offered me tissue and continued talking to me while I was busy trying to wipe my eyes.

Anyways, after everything that he had said, it finally dawned on me that it was depression again. It was just he didn't use that word infront of me. He tried to encourage me and said it is just a medical condition which can be cured with medication. He told me many people have been able to get well / better and he believe I can get better. I did tell him I had depression for quite a long while during my teens. He said he strongly believes if I could get over it then, I can do it again now. I could see he was sincere about it. He was insistent that I should take 2 days mc, have a good break for these 2 days and over the weekend. Although I told him that I need to go back to the office tomorrow to complete some work for other colleagues dependent on me. Maybe I'll try to complete those work as soon as possible in the morning and continue to take the rest of the day on mc (i.e. if my boss doesn't scream at me).

I felt time passed very fast today... slept for a very long time during the afternoon to late evening. I just took the medication for depression. I guess I'll sleep early tonight, still gotta go work tomorrow. I hope I don't get laughed at for being so emo or overly personal on this blog. As much as I like to be talking about fun, otaku-ish things... eventually, this blog is a personal avenue for me to write about my feelings so I don't feel cooped up inside. Which at this point of time, is rather important for me.

Gundam Figurines

Remember that Setsuna Resin Kit which I featured a few posts back and talked about it missing from the Sunshine Plaza shop's display? LOL! Well, what a small world it actually turns out to be? Because I was trying to search online for a different picture of that Setsuna figurine, then I stumbled upon Besessenheit's livejournal. To my amazement, I actually found the owner of THE Setsuna figurine! Woah..... I mean I seriously would never have thought I would be able to communicate with the actual person who bought it, brought it in from Japan during her trip last year, (Hey, actually I was there like the last week of Sept 08. Think that was really close to when she was there!) and got "M-workshop" to paint the resin kit by a professional! (was that the correct name of the shop?)

As corny as it sounds, I guess there really was a very rare chance for someone to know someone else from the net due to a certain something (lol tongue-tied?)... and that something is not an item which a person is putting on sale to another person. Anyway, thank you Bese for giving me those suggestions on where I could possibly lay my hands on a Setsuna Resin Kit as well! :)

I tried going down to La Tendo at Kallang LeisureMall 2 weekends ago, and yes they were selling Gundam 00 Voice I-dolls as well! (And also the Code Geass ones o.O) But they were rather expensive, for a set of 5 of them, it costs $60. So I took my time to deliberate if I wanted them that badly for me to spend that kind of money. (Or actually I was more concerned after buying them, where in the world could I put them up for display? Not much space left in my current room >.< ) Unfortunately, they were not selling a Gundam Seed Petit Series of Cagalli which I like very much. (Bottom right of the pic, where she's holding a pistol) Only place later on where I found selling this series was Suntec, but I didn't want to take the risk of ending up with another character because that's the only one I like. Sadly they don't identify which char it is like some places do with the "tick" on the box.

Then I also went on a "crazy frenzy" during the past few weekends, always going to the usual places to look at anime figurines like Sunshine Plaza, PS, Bras Basah, Suntec and even online sites just to find figurines which I like. (Especially the I-dolls and petit series!) I sure took many many looks at these figurines. I remembered I wanted to post up pics of some Gundam figures which I currently have! So here goes... :)

Kira Yamato. To be frank, I never really liked Kira and his overly-pink girlfriend in Gundam Seed (Ok, I know her name is Lux?) In fact, I'm kinda anti-kira/lux normally because he seems overly "imba" in the story. And erm, he's always in the way of my fave char Asuran/Athrun. She is exactly the kind of girl who puts me off? (The fragile, princess in distress =.=) But oh well lol! I got this "ancient" 2005 voice i-doll from Comics Connection at PS just this past weekend, it went for "3 at $10"! I thought that was too difficult a bargain to forgo, even though the paper box was badly crumpled and torn. This doll says "Daijobu, daijobu dakara." when you press on the button. I actually thought that was kinda cute, makes me wonder do they actually sound cute on other i-dolls as well.



Too bad they didn't have any other i-dolls for me to choose the other 2 items from to make up the total 3 items. Eventually, decided on a uniformed Ramius sitting proudly on a chair and another figurine from Code Geass which I would not be showing here yet. I chose Ramius because I thought it wouldn't be too common for a bigger scale and nicer figurine of her to be available in the market, as compared to the other characters.

The first Gundam model shown here is the Destiny Gundam piloted by Shinn. (Oh I love those pink translucent butterfly wings =p) Doesn't it look stylo in this "hardo-gay's say say say" pose? lol!!



Next up would be the Double 00 Raiser also in BB form! (For once, I was glad I could use that black diary book which co gave us, because it gives a nice background I could use to hide all my clutters.) If I were ever to own a Setsuna voice i-doll, I'll make sure to take a pic of both together.... that would be really cute ;)



Lastly, I dropped by Taka for the Gundam Sale on Saturday... too bad I didn't have a Takashimaya card in order to enjoy additional 10% on the 20% off sale. So I just got this set of 2 1/100 model kits for a price of $49.90. (That means each one cost about $25, which is cheap... normally one of that size may cost from $30+ to $50). Both model kits in this set are pink, one's a Gunner Zaku Warrior piloted by Lunamaria Hawke, and the other is a Justice Gundam piloted by Asrun. I think probably the reason why they have a large supply of these pink models was due to the color. Not many pple would buy pink ones I guess....

I've finished building the Zaku cos the box was already not wrapped in the transparent plastic. It was my first time building a model on a scale of 1/100, but I guess the usual basics of building models of other sizes are there. Just takes more time as compared to a BB model. I'll post a pic again later on the Justice when I find the time to start building it :)


So how does it look? I thought it was quite refreshing for a change to be building a Zaku instead of a Gundam. Not to mention the gunner weapon with the tying of the red string was kinda challenging.

I hope the lady whom approached me for some advice on a present for her friend's 6 year-old boy was able to buy a suitable gundam for the boy. She asked how do I select which gundam to buy when she spotted me going round that area with gundams going for "70% off". She even asked if it was simple enough for a 6-year old child to know how to build. I explained to her maybe it might take some guidance from an adult, because the instructions are usually in Japanese, with numberings and pictures. And I also directed her to the Gundam 00 models because I guess kids would like the latest toys always? (or at least when I was a kid, I always prefer the latest toys =x) I kinda gave her another pretty weird advice..... which was to choose the blue colored gundam because usually that is the one which belongs to the "main hero". Hmm.................. wat the?

Ok, I've finally blogged to my heart's content for tonight! (of cos, its 2am! omg XD) I actually feel much happier by now :) Guess all these take away my worries and unhappiness, at least, for the night.

Why do I exist in this world?

Its been quite long since I've updated this blog (or at least that's how it felt like to me, AGES =.=) Somehow with all the "non-human" hours I've put into my work and job for the past few days / weeks, I'm beginning to feel is it all even worth it. It'll be nice if there is some recognition or support or encouragement from boss or even fellow colleagues, but these are not only not forth-coming, I'll be counting my lucky stars if I do not have to face pple who criticize this and that of me or my work.

Almost 12 hours everyday without fail, sacrificing weekends to work as a "promoter" of my co's products when my job scope is not even sales (for goodness' sakes, I actually work in a very different occupation as compared to sales), I'm beginning to think where is my own personal life? Why am I putting so much effort into working so hard? I know the recession and economy is at an all-time low now, thousands of people have lost their jobs. Yet, sometimes deep inside of me, I actually wished I can be jobless, so that I can have some free time to myself, to regain whatever health I've lost because of work, to gain happiness or just simply do things that I would like to. I think I need to "force" myself to take a break. 4+ years without a proper break perhaps is really breaking me (no pun intended! XD)

Since last week, there was this woman at work from this other department who called me up to ask me to do this and that. Initially, since I was still pretty new in this company, I thought my job scope included having to help her with her requirements. But to my shock, I actually found out from other "old-bird" colleagues that this woman should have a TEAM of pple who are supposed to support such requirements from staff in her department. Whereas in my dept, I support my other colleagues in my dept, and I don't have a TEAM of pple to work with, it's only me, myself and I (1-woman show all the time, don't even think about my boss helping me, dun get scolding from him is already good enough). I must admit sometimes I get external-dept requests, which of cos I obliged. But also, it depends on my schedule and the actual request.

I've actually done what this woman wanted, and boy I must say she is pretty damn greedy. "EVERYTHING" also want... ok fine, I give what I could since I'm sure more information is useful for her. I even went the extra mile to include OTHER information which she initially didn't request for, but I've included them because I think they might be good reference for her. But I think it is really the last straw when she starts questioning why I was not able to obtain certain other data for her, and stubbornly / disrespectfully insists that it is impossible that I do not have the data, even after I've tried to explain the reasons to her. After going thru such pains to extract the data, write-up a lengthy email to explain the findings to her.... and all I get in return is not even a word of thanks, but unreasonable "why cannot this! why cannot that!" I just feel like jolly-well telling her in the face, "Look, if you think you can do it better than me, why don't you do it yourself?"

In the first place was I even supposed to oblige to her requests? If I start doing that for every other dept in my co, I think I'll just die. (The co is huge, easily the largest sg co.) For someone who does not take the effort to read my emails, or try to understand where I'm coming from, why should I recipocate? She even went off on the phone earlier "Then why does your boss tell me you will be able to do this?" Gees, it is a reality of life that most likely, my boss will not know how to do what I do either. What makes her think that my boss is 100% right? If I say I can't do it and have no ways of finding a way to, then it is true. Why do people disbelieve me? What have I got to gain from hiding certain information from her? If I had a choice, I rather have access to all these and just shut her off from her unreasonable attitude. I hope she just bugs off and leave me alone from now onwards and hopes she knows her place from now on. If she uses my boss's name again to put pressure on me, then so be it. Even if I receive complains from her to my team lead, director, VP etc, so be it. I believe in cases like these, I have no choice but to fend myself. I think I owe myself at least this much when most other times, I'm "abusing" myself to no end.

Sometimes I get too emo and start asking myself, "work so hard for what? live until so painfully for?" Which is true and sometimes helps to put back perspective in my life. If I end up working 12 hours a day, go home, barely get to spend sometime to relax myself, sleep and wake up early to go to work the next day, then I'm just behaving like a robot/machine. I know some pple will tell me don't be silly, the reason I'm working so hard is for my future. But honestly, there are so many unknowns in this world, for all you know the person might cease to exist tomorrow. Then wouldn't the life gone thru be such a regret? Of cos, when you face happy moments in your life, one might think that everything else that he/she had to go through to reach that stage was worth it. So I think the answer to the question in the title is to go through all the wonderful journeys of life and enjoy the happiness with loved ones. To do that, we inevitably need money in this world. So maybe it is just striking a balance between the means to earn money(job), the money earned and the time for family/friends/personal commitments. When would be sacrificing too much?

Stress & Dead-tired

I think today was the most stressful day at work ever in this company for me. (Of cos still cannot be compared to my ex-company.)

I feel so alone in my job because I'm the only one in the entire department, in a supportive role. Okay, I know I should be so used to play a part of the support role (always Priest in any mmorpg lol! XD).... but this is seriously killing me. Everything just seems to be crashing down upon me for these 2 days at work. People I'm supporting just keep coming back to me with refinements and requests. All of a sudden, I end up having to support pple OUTSIDE of my department. And it doesn't help that others outside kept pushing their requestors to approach me instead of them! (Taiji move?)

2 nights of OT (not like I haven't done that before) with no dinner and barely any lunch (I can't eat much when I'm stressed). I just hope someone in my company or dept have eyes to see and have the heart to care enough for my work conditions. I know my boss will not appreciate even if I slog til like there's no tomorrow for work. Sigh, I have to wake up earlier tomorrow for training. I hope nobody calls and disturbs me for the next 2 days, but I bet there are definitely gonna be pple who do that....

I don't know if I'm making any sense here, but I need to rant all these frustrations out of my system before I retire for the night. I hope I can post something more jovial and happy for my next blog post.... isn't it pathetic when we're always just living for the weekends / lunch breaks to arrive? Rhap says its worse if we're just clockwatchers. But I think I'm having a life worse than a clockwatcher.... being this report/statistics generating machine, whom everyone thinks will automatically cough out some deliverables with just an easy click of a button. Sigh.................... maybe I should really take up some figurine-painting lessons.

Tagged? o.O

Got tagged by Xavier to answer these questions... but I was wondering who can I eventually pass them on to, because not all friends read or are aware of this blog^^

1.Who's the person who tagged you?

Xavier

2.Relationship between you and him/her?

My couple in Audition? XD

3. 5 impressions of him/her?
1) Cute
2) Fun
3) Joyful
4) Nice guy
5) Loves Shana to bits!

4. If he/she becomes your enemy you will?

I will probably kill myself from thinking, why in the world would that happen?... Most probably that's not possible, nothing for us to fight over. Right Xav? =)

5.What will you say to a person you like very much?

"Hi xxx, lol! How are u?"... or maybe I just don't say anything much to a person I like, I just keep it to myself =x

6.A characteristic i like about myself

I don't really know my characteristics, so maybe someone can point them out to me? Perhaps my independence.

7.A characteristic i hate about myself

Quick-tempered and demanding, especially after a long hard day at work.

8.For the persom whom you hate, you say?

Don't provoke me... or else.........

9.What do you feel about yourself?

That is too vague a qns, I feel 101 things about myself. Most common things I feel about myself, tired, happy-go-lucky, pessimistic, too soft-hearted, consider too much for others, mean, selfish, generous, sad, easily cheered-up, fun-loving, likes intellectual stuff, depressed, act cute, unsatisfied, trustworthy, reliable.

10.Your Crush?

More like my obssession.... for now it would be Setsuna. I seriously need to find some other things / people to be the target of my uncontrollable, over-flowing "crush" feelings. No, not se7en again. XD

11.Most ideal person you wanna be?

Hmm.... a rock star! Yeah! (ok ok, a singer)

Pass this to 10 ppl:

1.Ashlynne (Ah-Li)

2.Xavier

3.ZR (Kyosuke/Frontier)

4.Rhap

5.Weiling

6.Lulu Bro

7.Dan

8.Hyde

9.Gackt

10.Miyano Mamoru (ok i'm just kiddin for last 3 persons, it would not ever be possible)

13. If 5(Weiling) and 7(Dan) were together?

I think they'll probably be like the sweetest couple ever.... and I'll be so darn jealous. lol!

14.Who does 5(Weiling) like?

Of cos her hubby and son... Arthur and Austin.

15.What colour does 9(Gackt) like?

White? or Black?

16.Say something to 8(Hyde)

Haido-san, I wanna be a singer just like you! (Does it help that I look abit ang moh-ish like you??)

17.Who is 2(Xavier)

TigerBunny.... a very nice friend I got to know from the game Audition. ^__^

18.Talk about 3(ZR)
Know him for the past 2-3 years from Audi like the rest of the Seafoodies gang? A very down-to-earth guy, but yet can talk lotssss of crap in game. Hope he becomes a game programmer/designer like he always wanted to.

19.Who is 10(Miyano Mamoru)'s best friend?

That would be Setsuna, Zero, Light Yagami, Tamaki and Sho Fuwa's best friend... hmm.... or maybe all these are his best friends.

20. Whos the sexiest among the 10?

Gotta be Gackt.... he can be sexy to both females and males.^^

21.What colour does 4(Rhap) Likes

Seriously I don't know... maybe blue?

22.Is 4(Rhap) single?

Yup, ironically, he just told me he's single like a minute ago on msn.

23.Your Relationship with 1(Ashlynne)

Got to know her about 10 years ago, while working together at Coffee Bean. She's my best buddy and good friend ever since!

24.Are 5(Weiling) and 6(Lulu Bro) best friends?

I don't think they know each other.....

25.9(Gackt) nickname?

Ga-ku-to? No idea man...

26.7(Dan) Surname

Park! =p (I'm so proud to know it lol)

27. Say sth to 4(Rhap)

I saw you the other day at Vivo, I think you walked pass me.... XD considering we haven't seen each other in years.

28.Say sth to 10(Miyano Mamoru)

Ok, I'm starting to regret putting him as #10. Too many questions involving him. I would say "I think your voice is sexy!!!" o.O

29.Who does 1(Ashlynne) admire

Not sure....

30.Where does 8(Hyde) Lives?

*cough* Like I would know...... Japan? ROFL!

31.Among all of them, who do u like?

I like all... except Miyano Mamoru.... because I don't know enough of his character to like him as a person.

32.Say sth to 6(Lulu Bro) when you see him/her

Bak Ku Teh at Balestier for you?

33.10(Miyano Mamoru)'s spouse?

No idea who she is... but yeah he is married alright, with a kid! ^__^ Hopes he / she becomes the next iconic voice actor.

There you go... my response to being tagged! :) Pass it on please~~

Shin'ichiro Miki come across Lockon Stratos

Yo ZR bro.... (yo you back BRO! XD) as I was saying in one of the chat posts, you should listen to the songs that "Lockon" sang cos those songs make him look even cooler / more stylo right? So here are the 2 songs which were sung by Lockon's voice actor, from a Gundam 00 single.

The first song in this blog was about "Soup", a song by Setsuna's voice actor Miyano Mamoru. For each of these Gundam Meisters, there is a single released with 2 songs sung by their voice actors. I personally like these 2 songs for Lockon, they sounded good to me and gave a very different "feel" as compared to Setsuna's 2 songs. I've added the songs into my imeem playlist here, so anyone can just listen to them while reading this blog post. :)


The title of the first song is "Towa no Rasen", I wouldn't say this song is entirely rock. But it was definitely more rock than pop. Maybe cos its not the "noisy" shouting/screaming kinda rock, so I still find it quite tame^^ But still I enjoy it. Which of the Lockon brothers would you imagine to be the one singing this? Elder or younger?

The title of the second song is "Answer" (have the answer to the question above yet? lol!) I'm blown away by this song. Initially it sounded awfully weird and "in its own world". (who would understand such lyrics, half-dead voice tone and rhythm??) But then, after a few more listens it just grows on you. Wow... Jap rapping... in that non-chalent voice tone with v simple drum and bass beats which sounds damn cool. Omg, this is such a wonderful song! I really wonder if Lockon Stratos would sing such a song like this. So which of the brothers do you think would have sung this really?

I think most pple would answer "elder" for the first song and "younger" for the second song? Cos most's impression of the elder is much more "sensible" and wouldn't have much of a chance singing a song like "Answer" because it sounds so "rebellious". I don't know if any of you will understand what I'm saying... XD

But somehow, somewhere deep, I have a feeling... that the elder Lockon would sing "Answer". I just don't know why. Maybe its something to do with the way he died... or those emotions he had bottled-up, even though most of the time, he seems to be the sensible guy. Haha, I'm getting EMO thinking and analysing about these... oh well, just enjoy the songs!

Gender and the Tomboy

Went totally off-topic below, while writing about something else. For those who do not mind reading my rantings of childhood/family, or me just talking about me, me and more me (so self-centred and ego lol!) Enter at yr own risk! XD

......................... (blah blah blah)

Even though the family is a typical traditional one, where males are usually more pampered because they carry on the family surname, even though since young there has been constant biased-ness and extra care & concern shown to my brother instead of me, I don't blame her at all. It is not the fault of people of her generation. They were educated to believe/behave this way... and as for me myself? I just had to accept the harsh realities of life, bite my lips and move on. Sometimes my family tease me for being such a fierce person. But I guess many a times they do not realise the reason behind it.

I'm the youngest and a girl in the family, where usually there is no right to anything in a traditional chinese family. As people would oftenly put, "daughters are like water thrown away". For all these years, I had to "strive" and "stand up", to make them pay attention to my opinions or notice me. I've never had good things coming my way, not as easy as my bro does. Most of the time I actually had to "fight" or argue for my rights at home. I guess that actually caused me to be who I am today.... I'm a "fighter" and I always will be one. Whenever I get bullied or repressed, I'll just turn into this rebellious, defensive brat, just to shelter/protect myself. It is in my instincts to do so, of cos I did not deliberately want to be like this. But I find it is necessary for me to survive, to deflect all the ridiculous notions of others forcing their opinions onto me.

(E.g. I find it EXTREMELY annoying, when my mum calls me up during working hours to ask me about trivial stuffs, and then she makes the excuse she's not disturbing bro because he is a very busy man, meeting lawyers and top executives. God.... I know I'm not as highly-paid as my bro, but please... my job is a job too. It doesn't necessarily mean just because I'm female, I have a easier time at work. Even if I get home earlier than bro, it doesn't mean I had to work any lesser. It is a completely subjective issue isn't it? Work can mean anything to anyone, however they think it.)

Sometimes I wonder if I'll be so much better off if I'm just a guy. I would get the same amount of attention and care from my family because then there would be 2 boys to continue the family surname. (and usually the younger boy seems to be more spoilt lol!)

My character has always been more guy-ish than girly. I don't like to go shopping (rare to find girls who don't?) and don't really care about fashion. In the family, opposite to usual norms, I'm the techie engineer... always getting relatives asking me about electronic/computer/programming stuffs and my bro is into business / finance. (usually the girls are into business/finance/accountancy, and guys engineering.)

I'm the "Otaku" who's into Jap anime/manga, gaming, gundams, Onitsuka Tiger sneakers and what-nots. (In the past when these Jap culture are not that common and popular amongst girls yet, I get hard stares from guys just by walking into a shop selling Japanese manga.) I have a big hearty non-picky appetite, comparable to many guys (girls nowadays eat like little birds =.=)

I play SEGA and Nintendo consoles with my cousins when I was a kid. I do play my barbie dolls too but I enjoy gaming muchhhhhh more than dolls. I get into physical fights with my bro, never giving up just because of my gender or that it is nature that made it the way females are physically weaker than males. I'm the J-rocker who's into all that male-dominated band-jamming at studios and listening to "noisy" rock music. (Brother used to blast all his heavy metal music at home, until I know all those Metallica songs by heart. If you cannot beat em, join em! XD) Ninja Turtles, Transformers, He-man... Ok, you get my point. Logically I seem so much more like a guy than a girl. If I were to have a collection, it would be more of Gundam figurines/robots, as compared to bro's collection of teddy bears.

I know there are some guys out there who are surprised when they realise there is a woman who actually may know more IT stuff than they do. There was once my bro wanted to buy a new laptop at the IT fair. He dragged me along to help him choose one. Ended up I was firing qns to the salesmen which they just do not expect a girl to ask / know. They had this look of shock in their face. My bro is a person with very high expectations, and he commended me on that laptop-buying trip. He admitted that if he were there all alone, he would not know what to ask, and what to look out for. He was glad I was there to find out all these for him and made him realise certain aspects of a laptop which did not cross his mind. I just find it funny when pple try to throw me off with very simple, basic or unrelated explanations to the laptops they are trying to sell, and expect me to buy those answers. =p Naughty me... I feel aloof because pple stereotype girls, that they don't know anything much about IT. It is this "looking-down" attitude which will only bring up the "eat-yr-hearts-out guys, I know more about IT than YOU!" feelings in me. See, I'm rebellious! Oops.... =x

A few years ago my graphic card went dead and I actually did my own research and tried to send it for repairs. Before that I exchanged a few messages with the IT-in-charge guy to discuss further about repairations and troubleshooting. When I brought the card in for repairs, he actually asked me in my face, how did I know all those things that I knew? I said I'm in the IT line too. But he went on saying "Usually no girls know so much about these computer / graphic card things and terms." Maybe I'm supposed to feel flattered, since I fall into the category of "unusual girl". Or maybe I'm just a guy in a girl's body............ O.O

Hey, my bro used to comment IF I were a guy, I would have melted many-a-girls' hearts with those dimples (Jimmy Lin anyone?). Funnily, more than half of me agrees what my bro said is true! Haha... sheesh, is it too late for me to have a gender-change in Thailand now? XD But if I were to be a guy, I would not like the typical cute, sweet girls that usually guys go for. A girl would have to be as suave as a Nana-type for me to be attracted to her. No whiny voices, no throwing of silly girly tempers, no frilly revealing dresses. The "cutest" girl which I probably can stand is the Kagari-type. The princessy, missy Lux-type turns me off tremendously. Maybe it is this part of me which is preventing myself from becoming a butch, because I can't see myself doing stupid things for a pretty, cute, sweet girl, nor dress up like a guy just to do so.

It is funny how a person's sexuality and gender can affect a person so much. Have you ever wondered what if you're a member of the opposite sex? How would you and your character turn out to be?

Grandparents, Panda Eyes and Bitten Lips

Woke up 15 minutes later today... as yet again I'm totally exhausted. Every week I would find myself getting drained as the week progresses from Mondays to Fridays.

Stayed and OT in the office last night til about 10+. Frankly it is not the latest I've worked but of cos, nobody likes working OT... unless they are workaholics. I don't want to be one and I hope I don't end up as one (because there is no personal life for workaholics). But sometimes I wonder if I'm slowly turning into one.

Couldn't sleep the night before and ended up flipping around in bed for 2 hours. Got up to go to the restroom and saw my mum was not asleep either. She told me that grandmother was in hospital again, and this time it did not sound too good. The doctor said her internal organs were "inflammed" and it seemed that she would not last any longer than a week. Initially I went speechless and didn't know what to say to my mum. A thought came to my mind that I hope, what is happening to my mum now would not happen to me in future. =( I imagined and put myself in her shoes too much that sometimes such thoughts only scare myself to the extreme.

In the end, I wept myself to sleep thinking about all the bad things that could happen. Even though I've experienced the loss of a loved one 12 years ago, I guess nothing can still prepare me if the worst happens. And then I started thinking about my other grandmother living with me. We've lived together under the same roof for 20 years now, I don't know what will happen if I actually lost her. Eventually I tried to stop myself from the tears and said some prayers to higher beings and my dad to help protect my family, especially my grandmothers.

Last night was another extremely late night til about 2+am for me. But I'll explain the reason on another post. This post is supposed to be about my grandparents (oh yah, both grandfathers passed on way earlier than my grandmothers. Guess it is a proven scientific fact that women do have longer lifespans than their male counterparts.), my panda eyes (self-explanatory why I'm having that) and my bitten lips (moving on to that in a jiffy!)....

I bit my lips about 5 to 6 times this morning while eating that tough bak kwa with bread =.= (I hate bak kwa, why do others like it so much and assume that I like it too?) The first few times were like ouch, then later on, I was thoroughly pissed and irritated. Now my lips are sore and swollen, and I don't wanna get an ulcer at that spot. Not when I have to be standing around, talking to customers for the next 2 days at the sales fair.

Mood: sad, moody, irritable

Hand Painted Figurines

I can look at this all day and won't get sick of it.......

Okay okay, maybe I will, but I definitely won't get sick of it now! Because I'm so upset!.... saw this beautiful hand-painted figurine of our dearest Setsuna F Seiei a few weeks ago at a hobby shop, at Sunshine Plaza (facing Parklane). It was inside the display glass cabinet, as it was evening and there were still people in the shop (although it says "Closed" outside), I couldn't really get a good look at it. Even if I could, I still feel like hitting myself on the head, for not taking a pic of it with my mobile phone (I'm sure the shop owner would forgive me since I'm female right right? >.<) Now I feel so regrettable :( And worse of all, when I went there again last Saturday, the figurine was gone!!!.... yes... goneeeeeee.... foreverrrrr.... T.T nuuuuuu

Then I desperately try to find a pic of it online. Initially couldn't find it anywhere, they were all selling the chibi ones (those are cute too!) until I stumbled across this website selling this "Hand Painted Garage Kit Resin Figurine".... guess how much they are selling this baby for? US$249. Which is roughly about S$400 to 500. OMG, dun tell me someone bought it off the shop for that kinda price. (I doubt I would ever ever ever spend 500 bucks just for a Setsuna Figurine =.=). Sigh, no luck looking for this figurine inside the store either (nope, not even a unpainted one...) Well, not like I know how to paint one but, a plain one is something I could start on. And there is always a first try to everything.... *shrugs*

At least managed to see a Lelouch Figurine sold at the shop beside the Gundam shop. Think it cost $50 for that. The neko figurine which could wear Zero's helmet was cute ^__^ Actually I was considering whether to buy that. But Lelouch doesn't really look very accurate on that figurine. (I'm soooo darn picky aren't i?) "She Mo Dian" has shifted to another unit in the same building. The new unit seems alot smaller than the previous one. And I spotted Xavier's "Hayate Yagami" figurine there... got a glance on the price tag..... "$150". I guess the price is ok for such a nice, large figure. If this garage kit resin figurine of Setsuna cost $150, I think I might just buy it.... just to pamper myself =x I dun know why the craze over Setsuna, to tell the truth, I think I prefer Lockon (elder one) better.... Maybe Setsuna's madness over Gundam had caught on me. "I AM GUNDAM!" ^^;;;; Some things/pple just grow on to you when you least expect it. Or maybe I'm just too mesmerized by the perfect painting and the figurine's eyes.....

Too bad recently many people are snatching up all the Gundam 00 stuff everywhere I go. Next aim to slowly buy would be the Gundam 00 Raiser (3-in-1), then slowly all the other Gundams of the other characters as well. Probably the Chibi I-Dolls if they are ever sold anywhere here in Singapore. I'll try to take some nice pics of toys that I have and upload them here someday. :)

Hmm meanwhile, painting lessons?? But its mostly a "guys world" here for painting figurines.... and the "Otakus" who usually teach or attend such lessons are kinda scary... They're like uncles who blatently admit aloud they go to Taka to ogle at xiao mei meis in short uniform skirts... ewwwww.. =x No offense, but it would make me very uncomfortable to know that and still be learning how to paint from them. Maybe can ask friends / relatives who do know how to paint... will feel much safer^^

Mood: Excited, sleepless
Music: Shakugan no Shana - Triangle

Basilisk

I think i had better do a little mini review of "Basilisk" before I forget all about the story and characters. First thing that comes to my mind about this anime? Hmm, its full of ecchi stuff??? LOL! Then again, it is exactly this point which makes the anime realistic, in my opinion. All those guesses I had in my mind, when Okoi was gonna be "touched" sooner or later, Oboro was about to be raped when Tenzen wanted to have a 1-to-1 talk with her and this Kagerou getting raped by Tenzen (to his pleasure and dismay of dying from her poison XD). Oh and all the boobie-grabbings >.<
But of cos I think the anime is not without its redeems and as a female species, I actually liked the anime for its other aspects. I think the couple pairings in this story are very touching (although I'm kinda sick of the Oboro-Gennosuke pairing, because that is like a typical Romeo-Juliet story which is so common in other stories *yawn*).

Needless to say, I think Hotarubi and Yashamaru's story is very sad and bitter-sweet. Guy was happy he got chosen to represent his clan, unknown to him that it would be the last time he sees his lover and vice-versa. He died but all along his lover was thinking of him and praying for his safety. Even after she found out that he is gone, she was thinking of avenging him. Some might think this is a very stupid and dumb notion, but I think it takes great courage. Even to her last breath, she was thinking and longing for him, to the point even the enemy who killed her could understand her sad feelings. It was so sad seeing the 2 butterflies fly away becos both have died, but there was a bitter-sweet feeling to it at least they can be together in the afterlife.

Another pairing which I feel is very sad and touching is Akeginu and Koshirou's. It seemed to me that Koshirou liked Oboro all along, unknown to the feelings that Akeginu had for him all along. And this he only realised when he was breathing his last breath, killed by Kagerou, whom he thought was Akeginu kissing him. The sad part about this is he had to die in this way, the good part about it.... was that eventually, he did realise Akeginu's feelings for him and recipocated that. It was sad that Akeginu could never realise he died thinking about her.


Even the relationships between non-couples are very subtle and touching. When Okoi died just moments before her brother Saemon could reach her, and how he in disguise had to "communicate" with her just by tapping her hand with his fingers. It was emotionally-choking for me to watch that. I guess I'm a person who easily feels sad or easily feels too emotional and cries while watching shows, even reading books. Imagine your sibling whom you have lived all your life with, who cares for you, loves you... and yet you either had to witness her dying infront of you and yet show no emotion when that happens because you had to continue pretending. Or imagine you dying in such a way, that you know you're leaving this world, but yet you could not call out to your brother, cry nor hug him before your last goodbyes. What was worse is, Saemon could not even retrieve back the body of his sister. I know in this show everyone dies... so maybe no point in burying a dead person when everyone else just dies like that.

As for the good-looking guys in this anime, I think there were only a few in this show. XD (Not in order of preference) Gennosuke, Yashamaru, Koshirou, Tenzen (??? Hmm he is not bad if without his weird hairstyle with 2 curly parts and his sick way of reviving) and Hyouma. Out of all these, I think my fave would be Hyouma. I didn't like the naive-ness of Gennosuke, nor his young short-tempered character. Yashamaru seemed quite likeable by most girls, the witty and bad-boy type. I think Akeginu was in love with Koshirou for his great protective-ness over Oboro. Actually, after the part where Tenzen revived after getting poisoned by Kagerou, I was thinking they could be together! He is the only man where she does not have to worry about poisoning after they've had something sexual! =x


As for why my fave is Hyouma, even though he does not have any romantic pursuits in this story.... he just seemed so calm, intelligent and he had this "brooding silence aura"! Just erm, makes me want to get to know him better lol! XD *blush*

The roots of evil. The Divine Service.

Its been almost a month since I've started to write in blogs again. (I've never kept-up with them, having only a few posts in an ENTIRE year!) XD I'm quite glad with the frequency at which I've been writing my thoughts and emotions. Since music is a very important part of my life, I think I'll devote some of my blog posts to music that I like. (or even other aspects, maybe games, animes or even the usual dose of life). Heh, even this blog is named after a song!! But I'll introduce more about this song titled "Deep Clear Eyes" on another post. This post is for a song named "Divine Service" on the PSP game titled "DJMAX". I'm a sucker for music games, and DJMAX is not an exception. There are many great songs on this game... which I hope I'll be able to introduce slowly one-by-one. But I would like to intro Divine Service first, it is the song which caught my attention and eye first in this game.

The video graphics of this song reminds me of vampire animes such as Trinity Blood and Vampire Knight. The young guy with dark colored hair and red eyes seem to be some kind of slayer. And there seems to be an order of killing someone at the beginning of the story. Sadly, it seems the couple in the story ended up having to kill one another. Or maybe I just got the whole damn story wrong! LOL! XD



After searching in youtube for this song, I've finally understood what the female voice is saying at the beginning of the song. Initially it sounded like French to me, but turned out to be German. (Hey thats really cool!). She says "KEIN ANSCHLUSS UNTER DIESER NUMMER..." and that is supposed to mean "This number is not given..." in English. I guess this song later progresses to a very emotional, complex climax at about 1:22 minutes, which is when the song starts getting difficult in the game.

Hope anyone else likes this song as much as I do! Enjoy the song~! :)

1st March

First of all, I would like to wish my friends Weiling and ZR a very happy birthday today =) Although I'm not so sure what is the possibility of WL reading this blog post lol!

Today's a rather fun day, despite the heavy downpour of rain in the mid-afternoon. Went to Pet Safari at Vivocity and had a very pleasant, fun time seeing the staff there groom some dogs / cat. It was the first time I have ever seen a cat being groomed. The cat was very big in size though, it could almost be as big as a dog, but its fur were a very nice, thick coat of white. I'm sure it belongs to some rich people who could fed it til it was about garfield's size heheh! =p Then there were also toy poodles being groomed, brown-colored ones. The color and the fluffy fur on their heads really make them look like teddy-bear heads.

Other dog breeds which really tugs on my heart-strings are Golden Retrievers, Japanese Spitz, Pomeranian, Samoyed and Shiba Inu. (or at least, those are the breeds that I saw so far today) I think my fave has got to be the Japanese Spitz and Golden Retrievers. (Example of a Japanese Spitz is shown below.)


Hmm I really wonder when I would be able to afford one. A caucasian bought a Golden Retreiver puppy at the Pet Safari when I was there today. Think it was priced at a hefty $3k. Wow.... And other breeds of puppies were not cheap either. A Yorkland Terrier cost $2800+. Well, one good way of saving money AND saving animals' lives would be adopting pets from SPCA. A adopt dog, would only cost about $175 (for a male one) at SPCA for its medical expenses. In a way, it would be saving the dog's life too..... rather than it being put to sleep eventually, if it still doesn't find a home to go to. =( I think that is very sad. But of cos, most abandoned pets at the SPCA are not your cutesy, small, toy-ish looking dogs. Most of the time, they are big ones whom people just don't find that cute to rear anymore or their HDB flats are just not able to house them anymore. I think I would consider this notion for awhile more. Maybe even til after I've shifted home mid of this year to see if everyone in the family is really ok even if I adopt a pet from SPCA. Really wanna help these poor animals with no home.