Friends, foes or just colleagues

Have you ever watched a drama/show, in which Person A warns Person B of Person C. Then Person B started being wary and suspicious of C's intentions and motives in every move or behaviour? I know I have. Especially recently.

Colleagues SL and LC warned me not to say too much during lunchtime, infront of our usual lunch kakis. Technically speaking, our lunch kakis are all from another team. Both our teams have our own "leaders" WL and IY. WL and IY actually both report to the same boss, our VP. They both may have their own political interests, although most of the time, it seems to me that WL and IY are on very good terms. They are so close that they can even share photo books of their own children.

According to SL and LC, whatever we say during lunchtime about work, will be "forwarded" from some of our lunch kakis to dunno who, and eventually reach the ears of our leader. Frankly speaking, whatever I say during lunch or any other time in the office to anyone, is the truth and my true feelings about that matter at that particular point of time. If it reaches any bosses' ears and I got questioned about it, then I feel "so be it". Why should I have to deny myself of my own feelings or what I feel? I don't think there is anything wrong with complaining / discussing about this or that. I admit I'm a complain queen, but if I got nothing to hide, why worry? If anyone else confronts me, I'll just say what I feel about the issue. I really don't understand what is wrong in doing so.

Perhaps it might offend certain people, but I think I've reached a point where I don't really care anymore. In terms of work, I should be more concerned and worried about myself, how I can get my KPIs done. Not about how others feel about me. Of cos, I'm not saying I should go around offending everyone in the office and making all sorts of enemies. And its not that I go to work everyday to simply work and not make friends. I think I just do not have the time and I'm too busy and tired to be worrying all day about offending this and that person. What's the point? If the person understands, then he/she understands me. Otherwise whatever I say or do, is moot.

So when SL and LC warned me about some of our lunch kakis, I asked them how did they know that people have been feeding back what we say/do during lunch to our boss? They just kept quiet. Ok, it might be because what was fed back to our boss are their own personal matters. Not about me, but about them. So they don't feel really comfortable about sharing this part with me. I do appreciate their kindness for warning me, just in case. When I asked for examples of these "feedback" happenings, I was not trying to prove them wrong. I was just trying to understand what kind of things do they feedback? To me, if they are just harmless facts or jokes, what is so wrong with that? Of cos, if they are malicious talk, which are really aimed at harming others, then yes we should be careful and avoid mixing around too much with such people.

The evening before, SL warned me about J. I told her that I would never expect J to do such a thing. Because to me, J is such a young girl and her character seems so carefree and open... (at least with me). They told me not to underestimate someone due to their age, J is a very observant person. So I have to be careful of my behaviour etc with her. J sits just outside my cubicle and I too know that she is a very observant girl. She can tell when I'm in an irritable mood, sad or talkative mood. All I can say is, I'm a very simple person to read. Emotions show so easily on my face. What can I do about it? Thats just in my character, that I don't hide my real emotions infront of others. I do what I feel like and if anyone is unhappy about it, so be it. I share my feelings easily, especially with people who I deemed as friends. J is able to observe me easily, but I am also able to observe her easily. I don't care even if she and the other lady outside chit-chats, or she surfs the net, chats on msn or reads the newspapers in the office. Why should I feel unhappy about that? Her boss and my boss are simply 2 different persons. If we can complete our own jobs on time and it is ok with our respective bosses, then what is the problem?

I told them the only incident I know of which J feedback to her leader IY, was that day in the office when my supervisor gave me a tongue-trashing. Comparing me with this and that person (who were old birds in the co), questioning why I do not know this and that. I felt I just do not know, simply because I can't memorise so many facts and figures. He accuses me of just doing my work blindly, when in actual fact I do know what I'm doing, it is just that there are so many things, I simply cannot remember to such details, and I would need to refer to my particular piece of work before I can answer anything. I was greatly affected by what he said because as my supervisor, his comments on my work performance mattered to me. I felt hurt because everyday I was working like a dog for at least 12 hours, pushing myself to my limits to complete tasks efficiently and to my best ability, and these unkind words were all I got back in return. There were no words of appreciation at all. Afterwhich of cos, I felt so disappointed that I couldn't control my tears in the office. I too know that it is unprofessional to cry in the office and it wasn't meant to make anyone sympathize with me. It was just so disappointing that as usual, my "tap" turned on by itself and couldn't stop. (Guess I'm a crybaby afterall.)

I went to the toilet, and hid in one of the cubicles to let out some tears. After this, naturally my face was all red, eyes were all swollen. And it happened to be our usual lunchtime then. So I took my wallet etc and wanted to make my way out for lunch with our usual kakis. IY and WL happened to walk pass me at this moment. Of cos they would have eyes to see that my face were all red, and it was so obvious that I had cried. I tried to turn my face away but I know I couldn't hide it completely, then I quickly walked to the toilet again to clean up. IY asked J what happened to me. J of cos knew what was the reason behind this incident because she knew I got a horrible scolding from my supervisor earlier. So she told IY why. (I will not know if J just said it for the sake of letting pple know the reason, or it was that IY was her boss, therefore she HAD to tell her the reason. There is a difference in "have to say" and "want to say".) This was the only incident I know of J telling others about me, which I do not blame her either because c'mon, everyone had eyes to see? Who can I blame? I just blamed myself for not being able to control my "tap". Frankly speaking, I don't really mind people knowing the reason. And so what if IY told WL (my team lead) that I had cried? That was what really happened and there is a reason for everything. If all is going so well and happy, then why would someone from her team be behaving like this? As a boss, she should be concerned why this is happening and how to resolve the issue so that everyone in her team is happy.

I really don't care if my boss thinks I'm a "problematic child" in the team by now. This could be due to IY always showing me concern and trying to provide guidance whenever possible. IY understands my problems and have probably been telling WL alot about me and the problems I face. IY had mentioned a few times to me, jokingly, that I should be in her team. Perhaps she would appreciate a staff like me. One man's food is another man's poison. If my boss thinks because she hears external people talking abt my problems so much, and therefore I'm a problematic one, then perhaps I'm simply not suited to be in her team working for her. Perhaps that is why, the supervisor who gave me a scolding will no longer be my supervisor a month from now. He probably heard it from IY that I broke down like a little girl/kid after hearing "just a few words" from him. He was upfront with me, he told me he was the one who suggested to WL that perhaps I should be under another supervisor because he simply does not know what I'm doing, and his scope of work now does not require someone of my expertise & abilities. Which is true, and I simply do not blame him for "dropping" me to another supervisor. I fully comprehend the rationale behind this move.

Anyway, back to J. SL was rather unhappy yesterday evening, when she asked if I wanted to go home but I told her I was joining J downstairs to see something. Yes SL had warned me of J, but to each his own. To me, when I had totally no friends in the office for the first 2 - 3 months, J was the only one who started talking to me and asking me out for lunch. It was all because of her, that I'm lucky to have such a nice big bunch of kakis to go for lunch with everyday. Had it not been for her generosity to ask me to join them, I think I would still be floating around here and there during lunchtime, without anyone to call a friend. I don't want to sound like I'm coming off as a smug, but I know deep inside how I treat J usually, and vice versa, I also know how she treats me. Maybe I'm just naive like that. I treat her wholeheartedly as a good friend. If she really is like how the others have warned, then I will only believe it when I see it with my own eyes. Sometimes I wonder if my naviety and "foolish" faith in certain things / people is getting the better of me.

When that point of time comes, then at least I could give a reasonable explanation to myself. I have tried to be impartial and gave people like her the benefit of the doubt. For now, there simply was no reason for me to doubt her as a friend.