Hikari 光

Another ranting post.

Just felt so undermined, and things are getting alot more worse. I finally reached my limit last night, and blew my top..... or maybe not? =x But at least I allowed myself to feel angry, yah so angry that i got so emo and cried, and scared a few "innocent" friends along the way. I'm sorry to those friends, they are innocent and they happen to witness my emo-ness.

So I'm good enough to understand how I'll always be second best in his eyes, as compared to his gf. But I really hate the fact that he had to rub that in my face, on every opportunity presented. And she was also damn immature, to keep comparing herself with her supposedly good gf, infront of her bf. Was it just to prove she is more wanted, better or stoke her online ego?

I guess I really had the last straw last night when he innocently asked if the guy playing with us was "my prey". What is up with that? Every single guy must be my prey? He is not, and FYI, I was just doing my own thang and this friend asked if she could join. But she pulled along another guy to join ME. Get the picture straight? Felt so accused. So I threw it back into their faces with a direct "No, it is hers". All silence after that. Ok nice, and then she had to go afk and "throw" the new stranger guy in my battle room.

Then comes along my didi. Well, I was quite surprised he accepted me as his jie. I wasn't expecting him to be so forthcoming, but I'm glad he did. I just tried asking him if I could call him didi, and he gladly accepted. (Thanks di, that was so sweet and kinda the silver lining on the cloud for me last nite. You always disturb / tease me, so I had no idea you were willing to be my bro.) He accompanied me and the stranger guy in a few songs.

Then comes along her. As usual, trying to be so "friendly" by saying hi to my didi. (I don't see her saying hi to the newbie stranger guy? wtf.) Stop trying to make my friends yours, what is mine is mine, they are not yours, unless I wanna share them with you. Show a little respect? You already have your bf making you feel on top of the world every nite, and you already get to rub it in my face that u're 110% better than me in anything and everything. Show a little respect to me, if you cherish me as a friend? I need to have my own world, a world away from yours, an identity of my own, not forever as your side-kick, your "dear" whom you selfishly try to constantly undermine, whether on purpose or not, your "dear" whom you declare to the whole wide world that you love. I don't really need that? Sympathy? Pity? Attention-whoring that you're such a dear sweet girl for loving me no matter wat? I don't need all these.

And to him, stop rubbing it into my face that you wanna peep at yr gf rather than me. Stop sarcastically suan-ing that my "battery" is so much more alive with a guy beside me. Stop accusing me for being the reason, for any other guy standing within 5 metres around our bunch. What can I say? You asked for it, so stop whining when the otherwise happens. You were the one who always made me feel second best to yr gf, constantly doing that over & over. So when I finally get some attention from some other guys, am I not supposed to be happy? Am I supposed to feel sad that FINALLY someone is noticing me? Show me some respect as well, since my already low self-esteem is not getting any help from you, let me get it helped from other people and stop accusing me of trying to get help from other people. You of all people, I had higher expectations out of you cos you seemed to understand me more than the rest. I suppose maybe that was an illusion. I guess I was just a dormant volcano waiting to blow-up. But i couldn't help it, cos everytime i snapped back, you just don't get it.

And di, sorry I had to "threaten" and asked if I should quit the game or not and scare you with a "i'm crying now". Cos it is just so hurting sometimes. You said you had to company your laopo last nite, and that we shall discuss this issue today. Thanks, and I fully understand your dilemma of not being to talk to me immediately. Anyway, whether directly or indirectly, you were so smart.. to "postpone" discussing this with me til tonight. To give me some time to think over it, to give the game another chance. If I stay on, please give me some credit, cos it is not easy for me to. But I shall try, try to still be around for you guys. Try to be a stronger person.

Now I understood what momo meant when he told me "anything msg me lor". Anything, that was what I felt last nite. Anything, thats the feeling when you feel down in the dumps, and that nobody else in the world cares or understands. Anything, just anything. Maybe I'll just sms him with this word... "anything". =x okies lame. LOL!

For me now, music is the only thing that can save my soul. Deepcleareyes is my only best friend. Yeap. Just wanna share a song, yes an emo song (which I never really appreciated, until today. It just felt so right while I'm ranting all these. And the meaning of the song is beautiful). Let me tell u, it would be really ironic if momo became my "bf". Since his nick was Baby + Emo. LOL omg. Ok, I laugh at myself sometimes. :)




Translation to the song:

Sunlight filtering through the trees, halfway through a dream,

softly shutting my eyes in the gentle wind,

lightly floating in the air, resting my feet tired from walking,



Because the road continues so far onward, all the way until you, I’m in no hurry



After pondering things like the meaning of life all night long, what I’ve grasped

is our light so small I may forget it when morning comes,



That everyone is born crying is a matter of course,

so I want to be a person who sleeps with a smile when I greet that day,



Without forgetting, I’ll leisurely look back on today that passed at such a fast pace



You taught me that I grow stronger as the things I want to protect increase,

I want to live on inside of someone, if that were you I’d be so happy



We can meet with happy things many times over, even if we’re far away,

This warmth from when we held one another can live on in our hearts,



After pondering things like the meaning of life all night long, what I’ve grasped

is our light so small I may forget it when morning comes,



Right now is a small light

What do you do when you get irritated by friends?

I know this is very mean of me, but what do you do when you get irritated by a friend?

• By their constant harping of the same topic of this gal they like (every single min / second you talk to them).
• By all the constant worrying about whether it is right to be doing this and that for this gal until it really gets on your nerves.
• By sms-ing you when the gal whom they have this major crush on, ask them out or invite them over to their place, and they can't WAIT to share the GOOD news with you, that they have to SMS you ON THE SPOT, and expects you to reply them IMMEDIATELY with your WELLWISHING COMMENTS.
• And then when you don't reply them on msn, they constantly continue to msg you with stupid factual stuffs on the weather,
• or that the weekend is coming soon,
• or how happy they are that their bosses have all went for meetings,
• or how sleepy they are,
• how full / hungry they are.

I'm sorry, but i'm just not THAT interested to know that you have obsessed over what to wear for the gal, or get updated every single DAY of my life how you 2 are progressing, or even if you have just burped due to that heavy lunch you had earlier. Wtf? Just leave me alone with all your attention whoring? Go blog or something. =x

Aftenote (12th Jan 2010): Ok, this is really ruffling up my feathers. Here I am, busy with work til I have no bloody time to logon MSN, or to even have a proper lunch. And this fella actually msg and replies again with "wah so jialat ah? I not in office now also"..... =.= do i look like i fucking care i'm here busy as hell and you are outside skiving or having an off day? Epic fail.

emo-ing about being emo.

Yesterday I was thinking, I actually forgot all about updating my blog. The one and only place where I can rant, emo, over-analyse about every little single detail or thing that had happened to me, and wouldn't get a reaction back telling me "You think too much" or "Why you always emo?", when they talk to me about the guy / gal they like or agonize themselves with the sickening people in their lives every single minute or second in the world themselves. (yeah wtf? selfish or wat? so they can rant and i can't? Look into the mirror first?)

Ok, so let's start off with this frustrating deadlock situation. I don't know if it is just me being too over-lively / friendly or i just give people the impression that i "talk cute" most of the time, but when i'm more quiet... or in other words, like how they describe it as "moody", they just automatically assume i'm being emo. This is dumb, moody does not mean emo to me. Wanna know what is emo for me? REAL emo is me crying.... yes, not when I'm more reserved / calm than usual, not when I'm just quieter or lonelier than usual, not when I get hostile / aggressive (now that is angry or pissed off). Guess everyone's definition and threshold levels of "emo" is different?

When it seems like I "think too much", i'm just analysing things... why bother? Because it is just in me, it is just in my blood... i'm a freaking data analyst for goodness's sakes. If I'm not someone who likes to analyse things, pull things apart bit by bit and think thru them, think about the reason why... then I shouldn't even be an analyst (think Sherlock Holmes. Yes, my job requires me to be super detailed and think / reason about every-little-thing.) It is just my character to. Now is that a crime? And it just happens to be that friends are for sharing, sharing of happy / sad / bad news.... sharing of thoughts is also considered as a form of sharing. If I don't see you as a friend, I wouldn't even bother sharing any of my thoughts with you. (Can't these people be more appreciative of the trust I have in them?)

So the next time, when a friend emos on you or seem to be emo-ing... don't be harsh. Allow him / her to emo and vent out their frustrations. Or would you rather they bottle-it-up inside them, with time ticking away to surprisingly explode on you sometime later on? Just let them emo out, and least of all, do not tell them "Don't EMO", unless your friend is someone like me, who can still calmly react back with a "Let me emo please." instead of a "you just dun fucking understand me, go away." Don't tell people not to emo, just because as a friend, you are not COMPETANT / BRAVE enough to face the music of consoling / handling your friend who is frustrated / sad, irregardless of the frequency of how often they do this. Just don't, just let them go with the flow of their emotions. For one, I know how sickeningly painful / depressing it is, to feel sad but not be able to express it out because people tend to shun emo / sad family / friends. The last thing you would want when you're sad, is to feel even sadder due to loneliness. And in a way, telling people not to sad / emo is as good as enforcing your own opinions and emotions on others (wtf?), which is rude.

It just reminds me of the old saying: "if you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all." Wow what a start to the new year of 2010. No wonder I cried on the second last night of 2009 til my eyes got swollen for work on the last day of 2009.

Heartbreaker (11th Nov)

Where do you draw the fine, thin line, between online and reality? Or is it so fine that there is no point in drawing any lines anyway. Should I even be thinking so much? Probably in the end, it is all for nothing.

Should I just take things as they come? At a slow stride? I'm so confused, I don't know what to think anymore.... for the entire day, I don't know why my heart aches so much. It was so painful. So painful but yet I'm so addicted to listening to heartbreaking songs like "Heartbreaker", "Abracadabra" and "Again & Again". 2PM's songs were especially painful to listen to, I don't know why either. Recently I kept on repeating these few catchy, jumpy Korean songs, and feel my own heart beating along fast with them.

(Continued on 26th Nov:) I was so into 2PM for the past few weeks. Kept listening to their songs wherever I go. I created a very short playlist in my phone titled "ache". LOL, cos listening to those songs really made me feel the heartache. Love their MTVs as well, the dancing is so nice~ My own nicknames for the 7 of them:

1) Jaebom aka Jay: Leader
2) Chansung: General Hwang
3) Junsu: Birthday Boy
4) Taecyeon: Director
5) Nickhun: Thai Prince
6) Wooyung: Mean Boy (who don't say what he means)
7) Junho: Angel Loser (who don't gets to be with any girl)

Heartbeat


Again & Again

Elitism

1. The belief that certain persons or members of certain classes or groups deserve favored treatment by virtue of their perceived superiority, as in intellect, social status, or financial resources.

2a. The sense of entitlement enjoyed by such a group or class.
2b. Control, rule, or domination by such a group or class.

I'm sure many who play online games are familiar with this term. Are you? Frankly speaking, not only gamers behave this way, but even people in real-life behave this way sometimes. Otherwise how would we get those unreasonable customers, who thinks they are the cream of the crop and therefore deserves nothing but the best, while the rest of the population "deserves" the "lousier" things in life?

In every game, I'm sure there is always that bunch, who thinks very highly of themselves. You know what I mean: that bunch that always keeps to their own clique only, who do not bother to talk or stand near to you because of your noobish-looking character, because you're new in the game, because you're not one of those influential peeps or have friends who are influential, because you're not seen as "hip" or "powerful" enough. So they just ignore you, (be glad if they are even willing to talk to you), "dump" you to one-side or just treat you as if you ate glass while growing up (i.e. transparent). Its quite saddening when elitists are that powerful, that they can even threaten someone else due to their status in-game "if you want to continue playing this game, then you better watch out......"

So what happens then? Just ignore these people and play the game enjoyably (if you can take it). But sometimes it is hard to continue without any friends to play and chat with, talk rubbish to or just joke around. And that, is almost always the reason, why games come to be stagnant after some time. Nobody new joins the game because there are no other friends to be made, the regulars are unfriendly (and friendly only amongst themselves) and the loneliness gets so boring.

Sometimes its all too sad and hurtful, even for myself to take. As much as I want to be thick-skinned, or be more patient for me to "get to know" or wait for others to "warm up to me". For most females, the most hurtful someone else can do to them, is to exclude them from a group. To not allow them to have a sense of belonging. I've experienced that a few times myself in life. I guess I have never been much of a social person, as much as I wanna be, otherwise I would have like dozens of friends or acquitances by now. Someone asked me recently, "How come you don't have much friends? You dao (snobbish) izzit?" I don't think so. Or I hope to think that the opposite is true.

I wonder how long more I need to persevere, in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel. How much longer should I wait? Or should I just jump to somewhere my company is much more enjoyed and appreciated? And how would I know whether I'm much more appreciated there? Perhaps happiness is the key. When I'm happy, I know at least I've got somethings right.....

Flirting: how much is too much?

Today came across an article online, written by Sumiko from SPH on the aspects on how flirting is dangerous. (http://www.divaasia.com/article/5437)

Flirting, how much is too much? I often wonder. Especially so with all the e-drama in HS5 recently, (I won't mention names) there's a girl in-game who got cuss-ed and swear-ed at with vulgarities by some guys and girls. I don't know the actual degree behind how bad the mistake was that she committed, but I think it definitely does not deserve such public embarrassment. (C'mon nobody does.)

But again, this is a very subjective topic, depending on each individual. I would like to bring your attention to 2 paragraphs in the article:

It's harmless flirting and makes for a bit of silliness. We aren't in the least bit attracted to each other and I'm sure he uses that line on other female customers as a sales ploy. Still, I was flattered by that playful remark. It brightened my day.

Flirtation on this level is just a bit of fun. You would have to be really insecure or a killjoy to be offended by an exchange like this.

and I FULLY agree with this. I guess that girl in guild who took it out on me about teasing someone else is a "bad boy" because he always "flirts", is feeling really insecure. Oh please, ANYone would know I was just joking. The conversation went like this:

Her: What's wrong with flirting? Flirting doesn't mean the person is bad!
Me: I was just joking.
Her: Better be.

Wow, talk about having this elitism-attitude which I absolutely despise. But I will touch on that topic in another post. Ironically, this girl was the same one who after a few days, started to lash out on another girl for being a FLIRT.

Her: You stay away from my hubby you biatch~! Nobody likes you! Nobody likes all your flirtings like you think they do~!

Okay, I was exaggerating the "e-voice" acting. LOL! But isn't that just such a whiner? Goodness, she should just get her act together and stop being someone with double-standed values. 1 day she tells people off for joking "flirts" are "bad" people. And the other she takes it out on this other person who flirts alot with others. This person definitely have some issues.

Of cos, everyone can have different opinions on where they are comfortable with the line being drawn. But trying to enforce your own opinions on others, is where the line is really being crossed, by being a tyrant. And that to me, is something far worse than just a mere flirt.

Memories Reflash

HS5 SG server.... Here's a walk in memory lane. Still hoping this time I won't "quit" the game so soon. ^^ Er, enjoy the slideshow with those comments!