i'm not feeling well, my back is aching somehow, my eyes feel sourish, my neck and shoulders stiff (maybe it is due to me feeling some pple breathing down my neck at work, probably swearing under their breaths that i'm yet again eating snake while typing this.)
honestly, i don't really know what i should do at this point of life. Is this what they call mid-life crisis? I'm 30, and if my life expectancy is supposed to be about 60, yeah i guess it IS a mid-life crisis. This is the time where I constantly look back on my years, wondering what in the world have I achieved. Nothing much compared to a baby I guess?
I'm stuck in a computer-related job which ironically, was one of those jobs which I told my father i'd like to do when i grew up. I guess i just grew bored of it. Bored of the job, bored of the stereotypes that come along with it. Perhaps, maybe just bored of myself, for being a geeky, lifeless overweight nerd. Bored of all those people who looked down on me for being "inflexible", no EQ watsoever and boring. Ironically, when i try to interact more with other pple, sometimes they get worried that i'll mix around with "bad" company, or are just plain jealous that i seem to be enjoying myself more with pple whom are just friends, or rather jealous that i seem to be enjoying anything else other than my time with them.
And now, i'm stuck at a junction whereby, I'm so used to my own comfort zone, I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. I'm lost, officially. Always am i guess, but never this bad. What's my purpose in life? Is it just working a 9 to 6 job and earning some bucks? Is it just finding true love? I feel this life isn't progressing anywhere. And why do I say that?
Last week, I attended a talk, the topic was "Passion". Passion = meaning x progress. As of now, I'm not even sure if there is meaning in my life, definitely not the progress I've wanted. As a woman, perhaps my narrow-minded goal and perspective was to service the people whom i love and respect. No matter how highly capable or resourceful i am deemed to be, my first priority will always be my loved ones. Perhaps i'm a really easily malable person, always being "pushed around" by other people. Many a times, I often feel that is how my life should be and I didn't mind it a single bit.
Unlike how others view me as the queen or princess of wands, this doesn't seem to coincide. The queen or princess of wands are highly independent women whom takes life by its reins and shake it, violently. Do I really seem as courageous as that? Then why do I feel so tired and lost now? Could I blame this on some hormones running through my body at this point in time? Would it be permanent? I certainly hope not.
I remember my younger days, where i used to be so carefree. I guess I just lost all my innocence. Life is getting more and more difficult for me, because in theory i shouldn't bother about what was expected of me. But in reality, many a times, the majority always expects minimally, the norm of me. Sometimes, I just wish I could escape from it all. From the weird / funny looks casted by such people, from people who are happily living in their own world and expects everyone else to, from too much happiness which i can't relate to. I wonder what is wrong with me, perhaps i'm just eccentric, or constantly in the state of depression, no matter how I try to pretend i'm not.
Facing the music is much more courageous than putting on a false smile and mask i feel. But circumstances always don't allow me to be so. I guess my heart got broken into a million pieces half my life ago, never really recovering from it. And to make things worse, it only got worse as i age, with all the unrequited love and heartless people i've been with. Whom had callously thrown me to the winds, to be alone, all alone.
Perhaps nobody would really understand me as a person. Unless that person had gone through the exact similar events as myself. I'm tired, really tired of trying to find someone like that, tired of myself as a person. I don't know why I feel a lump in my throat, feel breathless and feel an ache in my chest. And to think these 30 years or so should be the luckiest time of my life. Why do I feel so tormented then? I can't imagine the rest of my life. Perhaps this is why my life line on my right palm is so short. I'm destined to die young. It's not such a bad thing right?
The next time any of you witness, all the laughter and happiness I show. Do note that these were actually derived from all the pain, anguish, fear I've gone thru. If normally I seem like a bubbly, happy-go-lucky person, then it was because i had learnt to not take things for granted and i wanted to make life happier for others. If i seem like some drama mama, then please don't accuse me of bein one, because you don't know me, neither would you ever understand who i am, why do i behave so dramatically the way i do, what goes running inside my brain everyday. I'm not so lucky nor blessed as you.
And I still dun understand why she said my life is that of a princess's. In what way like a princess? Ah I know, having the "riches" of a princess, but never finding true happiness / love like a lonely, locked-up princess in the castle. Isn't that what princesses were always depicted to be in fairy tales?
I pray for my eyes to be able to dry and open up soon. For my body is constantly shaking with fatigue, fear and cynical thoughts. Let me fly away on a fire-breathing dragon who would rescue me from this cold, meaningless castle.
I don't wanna try to fight this love, how dangerous can it be?
I know the odds are so unfavorable, and honesty's forsakeable.
So many run for safety, run from the
Danger of falling in love like this, danger of falling apart, in the hands, of another. Danger in falling in love like this, cold sweat craving the dark, so completely, so sweetly. Danger.
Things have gone wrong, they do more often than they don't. I was a child before, a soldier in defense. I'll take the leap, I've gone so far for lesser gold. I wanna know this life, by your side.
So I don't wanna try to fight this love, how dangerous can it be?
I know the odds are so unfavourable, and honesty's forsakeable. So many run for safety. From the,
Danger of falling in love like this, danger of falling apart, in the hands, of another. Danger in falling in love like this, cold sweat craving the dark, so completely, so sweetly.
This entire anime reeks of boy-love. LOL!! Not that I'm complaining... Ayanami, the antagonist in this story is too smexy for me to hate him entirely. Him and Frau are my favourite characters in this anime so far. (Hahaha, anime does that to priests pic!)
They have the usual spec-donning side characters, and the young cute boyish ones, in fact the main character, Teito Klein is one. His obsession with his best friend Mikage is something that I will never understand, at least not to his depth. The theme is nice, with priests and military against each other, two very opposite factions.
Ayanami's character actually reminds me of RO. The boy's cap. (I think I have an obsession with caps and earphones. Don't ask me why LOL!) Frau is funny with his perverted ways, but yet you know he is a caring, strong character. Watch out for his library books antics and you will know why he's perverted ;p
What is attractive about this anime, again is the story behind each character, and how they are all brought together through fate or destiny. Somehow, I don't think Ayanami's character is that evil. He was seen to be protective of his friends, something which truly evil beings would not be able to have done. Although he threatened Mikage with his sister, eventually nothing bad was ever done to her. Ah, understanding the greyness of one's character. I wonder if its because I'm getting older. This cosplay pic of Ayanami, the funny Hyuuga and subordinate Konatsu is so apt. Luv Ayanami's purplish-white hair and cool expression. The uniforms and props such as the grey throne are also very nicely done. Haha, Hyuuga and his lollipop!
I especially love the ending theme song, it reminds me of another aspect of RO's music. Noria's high-pitched, nasal-sounding voice also fits this song beautifully, adding-on to its naive childish, hopeful feel from the meaning of the lyrics. So enjoy this song, "Hitomi no Kotae" by Noria. ;)
Last night was a "nightmare". I thought I had settled it really nicely with the mail reply I wrote. But it seems I would always get disappointed with such themes.
I happily left work yesterday, proud of myself for giving a good reply. Good reply as in, something non-offending, putting things across as straight-forward as possible, without sugar-coating my words saying things just for the sake of saying them. Such as "oh you're a nice guy but...", "i wish i can give you a chance but...". All these talk is worthless in my opinion. It doesn't even matter. So I'm still open to the invitation of being friends.
He logged into game and asked if he could have a talk with me. Fine, we talked and I wondered what else he didn't understand. But it escalated into crazy, stupid theories / assumptions of how I was afraid of him, afraid of entering a relationship, how I lied that looks don't matter but it does, how I just view him as a bypasser in my life, how he would not give up, how we can be friends first then see if we can proceed further from there. I wonder what is the point, the last thing I wanna do is give someone false hopes and lead him on. And he tells me he rather have hope and try rather than no hope at all. *roll eyes* okie, I've heard these many times, I'm just not gonna fall for it this time again. So no. And again in my opinion, better to end things fast than slow and draggish. (I guess this is one of my guy-ish traits again. Someone who can be so cold and heartless.)
I got really pissed off when here I am being direct, straight to the point, and this fella is assuming there is something more to everything I said. It felt like someone putting his hands to his ears and going on and on without listening to a word I say. I asked why did he write in Chinese, he said he could express himself better. Right, I understand that, just like I feel I can express myself better in English. So I asked if he wanted to type in Chinese instead, I can read. But he refused, and the whole time we were like this chicken and duck talking. 90% of the time, I couldn't even understand what the hell he was saying, and why he was saying those. It was utterly frustrating.
Eventually I had it. I lied that I liked someone else. Then he goes on to ask if that person knows. (omfg) I said I have a bad temper when he asked if I have cooled down. Then he goes on to say "Leos are like that." My goodness, why was he so presumptuous about me? He made it sound like he knew me very well. Even my family and best friends only know certain sides of me, who is he to assume he knows me?
All these talk while I was trying to dance, and my girl friend trying to flirt with one of my guy friends, right infront of my nose. (As usual, I should be used to it by now. But it never fails to make me feel awkward. I still don't get why people do that infront of me. Trying to prove something? Or it was just such an innate behaviour to flirt with every single guy they know?) Well, I had quite enough for the night, so I told him that we just didn't understand each other. With that, he finally understood. (wow, was that some magical line or wat?) I said my goodbyes to him, he told me "God bless you." I said the same to him and he said "no need, hell better for me." (See? That is what I meant by saying things for the sake of saying them.) So I told him neither do I need it. I know, such a blasphemy from me, but if he doesn't need my sincere blessings, why should I need his? I can live very well without them. =\ By this time, I'm already trying very hard to refrain from tearing or breaking something.
So there, as another friend would put it, I'm back to my "killing" ways, assassination mode. These people should be more grateful that my killing methods are clean, straightforward and direct. I hope they appreciate it.
P.S. that fella's FB acct have like hundreds of female friends, and all that bs about being first gf? Try harder. =x
Newest song from my fave female Korean singer Gummy. Ironically, the song she is singing this time again, is so easy to relate to. Although it sounds quite typically like some US song.
Her image in this mtv, is kinda strong. Long black hair, long black dress. I liked that bridge part where she wore her hair up, red lipstick and a white top.
Everyone is crazed, love is a lie. Super pessimistic song heh. Realistic or naive?
Sometimes I don't know if I'm really down in my luck, or I always seem so "inviting" to such people. Just got an email message from someone whom I've barely even talked to a few days ago.
自从在那晚(29Apr10)与你认识到交淡后，我就对你念念不忘，一直想再多了解你多一点。可是你总是没出现，让我倍感失落。无时无刻查看你有上网吗，有回信吗，等等。。。。。。 (At this point of time, I still can't believe my eyes with what I'm reading.... chinese? huh? Why is he writing in chinese?)
有几句话我说了，你一定认为我在开玩笑，因为我们才交淡一次，又没见过对方，也不了解对方。那句话就是：“我们交往吧！做我第一，唯一，最终的女朋友吧！我是认真的，给我机会照顾，呵护及疼爱你吧！” (I'm wondering if he copied this from somewhere. Totally doesn't sound like chinese a typical singaporean would write. Or maybe I'm too banana myself already. The language here totally sounds like either china or taiwan-type. I'm definitely not feeling this.)
我想了几天几夜，考虑了很久，才鼓起勇气，写了这封告白信给你。我想我终于找到我这一生寻寻觅觅的另一半，那就是你！让我在你觉得孤单寂寞时，佔居你的空虚。让我在你伤心难过时，靠在我的怀抱里哭泣。让我在每年的生日，情人节时，陪你度过 (Freaked out at this point, going "wtf"?)
我不擅于表达，也不会甜言蜜语，说的全都是真心话。让我们试着交往吧！给我机会也等于给你一个机会。如果你愿意给我机会的话，请发简讯到9XXXXXX给我。如果你认为我们只适合做普通朋友的话，请回信给我就行了，除非你不介意让我知道你的手机号码。 期待你的回复，你一定要辛福哦！ (Seriously, I'm not in the mood for believing in anyone who wishes for me to have happiness now. Its not that I don't believe there are still nice, kind people who wants the best for me in everything. I just don't feel and don't wanna feel anything anymore.
I dun really wanna be naive anymore... at least, not yet... )
I dunno what is up seriously. I don't even think I know him. For now, I only know I've gotta deal with it, and the answer is apparent. Don't exactly have anything holding me back on my answer. Just need to know how to deal with people nicely and maybe reply back in my simplistic lousy cheena. Oh nevermind, I'll just write back in whatever way i'm comfortable i guess.
I only have one phrase to describe how i feel about this now... "Fuzakenna".
